Partners with Benefits
by AddisonSp
Summary: Friends with benefits. A bad idea when said partners are in love. It's even worse when they can't communicate their feelings. What happens when they both settle for casual because they think it's all they can have? Complications and consequences arise.
1. Chapter 1

**I've had this idea for awhile, but was hesitant to write sex scenes. Going to go for it anyway. This may not be updated as quickly as the others because I'm writing as I go, as opposed to editing what I've already written. I hope you enjoy. **

**All episodes that have aired are fair game. **

**Disclaimer: Don't own them. **

* * *

Things were getting too intense. He was running out and putting his life in danger shadowing other detectives, and she was getting way too emotionally involved. When they were alone together the tension could be cut with a knife.

She'd gone to see Dr. Burke and he'd challenged her. After stating his theory that Castle was pulling away, the therapist pushed Kate to evaluate what she wanted to do about it._ I know exactly what I want to do_, she thought to herself_, it involves throwing him up against a wall and taking him for all he's got_. Kate became flustered as unbidden thoughts crossed her mind, thoughts of them in various positions and in various states of undress. She stood up and cleared her throat, needing a distraction in the worst possible way. As she made her way to the break room she spotted him. Unfortunately, he spotted her at the same moment and made his way towards her before she could make her get away.

She inhaled deeply, watching him in his deep blue button up shirt, _God, I want to rip it off of him_. Again, she tried to shake the thoughts from her mind, preparing for whatever he obviously needed to talk about. It felt somewhat odd to her that he was actually pursuing her for conversation, given that he wanted nothing to do with her lately. When he approached her he gave a smile, not quite reaching his eyes the way it used to, but better than nothing she figured.

"Beckett." He said, "So what have we got today?" He questioned her as if the past couple of weeks never happened. Although she should have taken the olive branch for what it was, and accepted his attempts to get them back on good grounds, something inside of Kate just snapped.

"Oh, so now you're interested? What? Is there not something more exciting in another unit?" She spoke with a bitter edge to her voice that she couldn't have masked if she'd wanted to. Just 24 hours ago she was so desperate for these words from him, any words that would show her that he was still in this; even if just a little bit.

"What is that supposed to mean?" He challenged her, fully defensive and filled with emotions that had been boiling to the top over the past weeks.

"I don't know Castle, you tell me. You're the one that bailed, took off and found someone better. I guess I'm just surprised that you'd bring yourself back down to us I suppose." Kate finished her statement, fully aware of the barbs she'd stuck with her words, and turned to walk away from him.

He simply brushed past her, not taking any care as he jarred her shoulder when he bumped her slightly out of his way. "Well if you want to play bitter and immature then fine!" He yelled at her.

As he walked away she yelled after him, "Well you'd be the king of bitter and immature these days Castle, wouldn't you?"

Then he was gone, leaving her standing there while everyone in the precinct simply stared at her.

* * *

That evening Kate Beckett walked down the hallway that led to his front door. This, whatever _this_ was, that had started to brew between them over these past weeks just had to stop. She'd been embarrassed beyond belief at her own little outburst, and her being called into Gates' office and reamed out about it didn't help matters.

"If you and your BOY" she said, obvious distain for the man she described, "are going to have anymore relationship problems, I'd appreciate it if you left it at home." She looked sternly to her subordinate. Beckett interjected to correct Gates, "but sir, Castle and I are not-" She was cut off by Gates, who wasn't interested in hearing Beckett's denial about what was or was not going on between her and the writer.

"I don't care what you are, you keep it out of my precinct! Got that? I already have half the mind to kick him to the curb, but given that he has proven himself to be…somewhat useful on occasion…" Gates shuttered a bit at having to admit anything positive about Rick Castle. She continued,

"but Beckett-anymore of** this**, of what I saw today? And he's gone." She looked sternly to Beckett before placing her glasses back on and dismissing the detective.

Beckett had been mortified, and Castle was to blame. _Oh yes_, Beckett thought determinedly to herself, _this stops here_. With that, she knocked on the writer's door swiftly.

* * *

Rick Castle was surprised to find his partner standing at his door, especially considering that it was pouring rain outside and it was getting pretty late. He usually would have been pleasantly surprised by her appearance, inviting her in and offering her a drink.

That was before though, that was before she broke his heart. Frankly, he didn't care what she had to say. He'd tried again, after his conversation with Alexis about whether something meant enough to you to get over being hurt. He thought that she did mean enough, but when she verbally attacked him on his first attempt to smooth things over he knew it was too late. Rick had very little interest in hearing anything that Kate Beckett had to say.

"What do you want?" He spoke icily to her.

"I want to talk Castle. I want to fix this-whatever this is. I don't know what's wrong, but I want to talk about it." She looked directly into his eyes, imploring him to just give her a chance.

He wanted to slam the door in her face, but when she looked at him like _that_, like she was drowning and he was her life raft, he didn't have the heart to push her away. Sighing to himself, somewhat disgusted in his inability to simply tell the woman 'no', he stepped back. He moved the door open and gave her the space she needed to enter.

He didn't offer her a drink, he didn't make small talk. He just waited.

"Martha and Alexis?" Kate inquired.

"Out." He simply answered, not giving any more detail than necessary.

Kate knew that this was going to be difficult, she didn't know how much though. Now that she was standing in front of him, and he was looking at her as if she'd thrown a knife in his back and punched him in the stomach at the same time. _Hell, he looks like I killed his puppy_, she cynically reflected. With nothing else to lose Kate opened her mouth and began to speak, silently praying for the words to reach him wherever he'd retreated.

"Castle, I just. I don't understand. I don't know what has changed and why you've been acting like you have been, but I miss you. I miss my partner and my friend. Please help me to understand what is wrong so we can work to bring him back." She looked into his eyes and allowed the desperation she was feeling show on her face, allowed him to see it.

"Kate." He spoke somewhat resignedly, "I've already told you that I'm fine. I don't know what else you want from me-" He didn't get to finish, as he was interrupted by the sudden outburst of his partner.

"Bullshit! Bullshit Castle. You think I don't know you better to know when something is wrong? Give me a little credit Rick! One minute you're fine, we're…fine, and the next you're acting like the shallow jackass you pretended to be when I met you." She knew that she should calm down, but she'd started and now she couldn't stop.

"I don't even know who you are anymore, walking around with bimbos on your arms, following Slaughter around even after you knew he was dangerous? What were you trying to get yourself killed? Don't you give a damn about anybody in your life other than yourself?" Her yells continued.

"Don't you think I at least deserve the truth Rick? Haven't I at least earned that from you?" She finally let some of her own wall down, getting to the heart of the matter that he'd hurt her deeply. She hoped she would see his eyes soften at her admission. She hoped that he would apologize and pull her close and tell her that everything would be different. Those hopes were dashed when he looked back at her, the coldness replaced with a fury she'd never seen from him before.

"You deserve the truth? YOU DESERVE THE TRUTH?" He was yelling now.

"You don't deserve a fucking thing Kate. .." He moved into her space, pushing her back towards the front door.

"What the hell is your problem Castle? Who the fuck do you think you are? Have you forgotten who you're talking to?" She tried to play the badass cop then, using her crime fighting skills to intimidate him down from his rage. It didn't work.

"What are you going to do Beckett? Huh? What are you going to do? Are you going to shoot me? Are you going to kick my ass because I'll tell you what others won't?" He was pointing a finger into her chest now, her back hit the front door.

"I'll tell you what you're going to do Kate. Nothing. You're not going to do a God-damned thing because you're a coward!" Her eyes flashed from fury to hurt at his words, which tore her heart open. She couldn't respond to his words, she had nothing to say that would combat the accusation. When it came to him she was a coward. The anger continued to course through her veins, her breathing erratic. She looked up to him for a moment and saw the same fight for control over his own temper. They were beyond pissed and if they didn't back down they would continue to hurt eachother beyond repair. Hell, maybe they were already beyond repair. Dr. Burke's words flashed through Kate's mind again, _so what do you want to do about it?_

Castle took her silence as support for his words. She was a coward and nothing was going to change.

"Yeah Kate." He yelled again. "That's what I thought. You talk a good game, but when it comes down to it, nothing, you're-"

He didn't get to finish because at that second she grabbed him hard by the shirt, spun him, slammed his back to the door, and pressed her lips to his. Shock shot through Castle as he processed what was happening, Kate was kissing him. She was kissing him fiercely. All the anger and frustration she'd been feeling was evidently working it's way out of her body through her lips, which were devouring him at the moment.

With her tongue she demanded entrance to his mouth, which he granted. At the deepening of the kiss, the intimacy of her tongue in his mouth and her taste everywhere, he responded. He knew he should put a stop to it, but he was too frustrated and too angry, and way too turned on to care. He knew she didn't want him. He knew she didn't love him, but here she was, trying to push her body against his and grind her hips into him. _Hell_, he thought, _if she's going to use me for angry sex then I certainly have the same right, don't I?_

Kate wasn't sure what possessed her to do it, but there she was, kissing Richard Castle in a way that couldn't be described as anything less than wanton. He quickly started to respond, first with the kiss, and then with the rest of him. It wasn't long before their positions were reversed and he had her pressed against the door. He hoisted her up and pressed his arousal into her center, ripping a moan from her trembling body. _Hell_, she thought to herself, _it's been over 8 months and I need this so much…and his hands are…and his lips are…and if he moves just a little to the…oh GOD!_ She moaned loudly, which only propelled him to move faster and grind harder. Somewhere in the back of her head she knew this wasn't a good idea. She knew that he'd moved on and wasn't interested in a relationship with her anymore. Yet here they were, on the verge of sex up against the wall and she couldn't find one single reason to stop. So she didn't, she gave in and let her body make the decisions.

With a snap of her button and a tug on her zipper, he had her jeans and panties pulled down, she kicked her heels off and pushed them the rest of the way from her body. He quickly followed suit, lowering his jeans and boxers in one movement. Before she had time to process things, and before they finished undressing, he had her back against the wall again. No sooner than she'd wrapped her legs around his waist he plunged into her. He wasn't gentle and he didn't wait for her to adjust. The shock of it forced a scream from Kate, as she slammed her head against the wall and thrust her pelvis up to ease him out of her a bit. He disregarded her move and sunk further into her still, needing to be surrounded by her but waiting there to give her time to adjust.

She was thankful for his waiting, as she allowed herself to acclimate to the amazing feeling of having him buried so deep within her. Soon she began to move her hips, giving him the signal that she needed more. With his head pressed against the wall next to her, he thrust completely into her and pulled nearly out, only to thrust once again. Within minutes he had her screaming, all rhythm was lost and shortly after they both fell over the edge. With shaky legs he slowly lowered her down to the floor, pulling himself out of her.

He didn't look at her, wasn't sure what to say about it.

Kate watched him for a moment, catching the uncertainly in his eyes. Her heart melted a bit at the sight of him, yes their first time had been anything but romantic, but it didn't change the fact that it was _them_, and that she loved him. _Maybe_, she thought,_ just maybe we do have a chance_. After putting her jeans back on Kate gathered the courage to speak.

"Castle…Rick…Look, I know that we should have talked things out. I know that it shouldn't have happened-" She was about to finish her sentence with** _'like that'_**, and to tell him that she was glad it did happen, but he interrupted her.

"Yeah. Kate. No worries. I understand, and I agree that it shouldn't have happened. I know that there's nothing between us Kate. You're attractive and I'm attractive, and let's just say we were working out our tension. Ok?" He was trying to give her an out, trying to make it as casual as possible in the hope that she wouldn't run and leave his life forever.

For a moment she just stared at him, her heart completely breaking. There was nothing between them. They were friends and partners, and now evidently people who had sex against the door when they needed to _work their frustrations out_. The sad part was that she loved him so much that if it was all he could give, she'd take it. Dr. Burke would be furious, talk about your unhealthy decisions.

Kate needed to get out of there as soon as possible before she fell apart. Then Castle added,

"Heck. If it helps the partnership I'd say why not? We're not committed to other people and if we both know it's just sex than I don't see the harm in it." He was dying inside, but he needed to let her know it was ok, and he'd take anything she was willing to give.

She just smiled at him, although there seemed to be sadness in her eyes. "Yeah Castle. What's the harm?" He nodded to her reply.

"So maybe…we could...um…sometime soon? Work out our problems some more?" He didn't even know how to say it, partially in disbelief that this conversation was happening.

"Yeah," she said. "Sometime soon." She gave him a half smile and asked if he would be back at the precinct in the morning. He nodded and smiled politely. With that she left the loft, not entirely sure of what they'd just gotten themselves into.

Deep down they both knew it was a bad idea. They both knew that they were way too invested, but neither one was strong enough to walk away from anything that the other partner was willing to give. They both knew that one of the biggest problems with the _friends with benefits_ arrangement was that emotions always get in the way; somebody falls in love. They knew how self-destructive it would be because they were each already in love, and that love (they thought) was unrequited. They both knew there was no hope of getting out of this in one peace, but hell, both were broken anyhow.


	2. Chapter 2

**Because if anyone could go about having a sexual relationship for weeks on end without talking about it, it would be them…**

* * *

The next morning Kate sat at her desk, working her way through the mountain of paperwork that had managed to build up.

"Good morning detective Beckett." Beckett looked up and smiled at the voice of her friend, partner and _something else altogether _after the events of the night before. He smiled back down to her, handed over her morning coffee, and settled into the chair next to her desk; looking at her somewhat tentatively.

She tried to ignore his gaze, afterall, she should be used to his staring. This was different though. She didn't know if her discomfort was because it had been so long since she'd seen him staring openly at her, or if it was because of what they'd done last night. As she considered the latter possibility images from their encounter flashed across her mind, causing her to shutter as she remembered the feeling of being completely filled by him. It was all-consuming. Taking a breath, she raised her head to meet his eyes.

He was looking at her oddly, as if he were trying to figure some puzzle out. He looked at her as if she were his own personal murder board. She was his murder board and if he looked long enough he'd surely solve her. He tilted his head slightly to the side and finally spoke.

"Are we good? You know, after everything?" He looked somewhat nervous and undertones of fear could be traced in his words. She considered him for a moment before deciding to take the easy way out, the way that required no conversations or heart-to-hearts between them.

"Yeah Castle. We're fine. It's like you said, working off tension." She smiled softly to him, hoping that he would interpret her expression as politeness and not resignation.

"Actually, I thought some more about what you said last night…about using those behaviors to help with tension between us." She looked up to him somewhat fearfully, peeking out from behind her wall. "Yesterday I got called into Gates' office and she really came down on me about our little spat yesterday." Castle frowned at the knowledge that he'd left her to take the blame for something they'd _both_ done.

"Gates told me that if you wanted to stay, we'd have to figure out a way to resolve our problems out of the precinct." Beckett continued, hoping that Castle would see where she was trying to go with her words.

"So," Castle said "things seem to be better between us now, right?" Beckett nodded in agreement "yeah, I'd say things worked out" she replied.

"Look Castle, why don't you come by my place tonight so we can discuss things further?" She asked him.

"Sounds good. I'll bring Chinese?" He suggested. He smiled at him and they agreed.

No sooner than they decided a time, Beckett's phone rang. A body dropped and her team was requested in Central park. That was the last they spoke of it.

* * *

The case had been tough, two NYU students were shot from behind while out jogging. The random nature of the crime, along with the complete lack of witnesses, gave them very few leads. After an exhausting day with very little success, they all decided to take a step back until the morning.

As agreed upon, at 7pm Beckett heard a knock on her door. She smiled slightly and tried to ignore the butterflies that had taken up residence in the pit of her stomach when she heard the signal of his presence outside her door. She opened the door to see his smiling face, bag of Chinese in hand. He was dressed down, dark pair of jeans and a deep blue button-up shirt. Kate thought he looked positively yummy.

As she was checking him out, he was doing the same with her. She wore her hair down, soft curls cascading down her back. She had on a faded gray pair of yoga pants and a spaghetti-strapped pale blue tank top. The top of the shirt fell just above where he imagined her scar would be. He'd yet to see the scar because she'd never showed it to him and last night they hadn't taken the time to fully undress. She cleared her throat and invited him in. He noticed the slight blush in her cheeks, there because she'd caught him mentally undressing her.

The two sat on the couch and ate in silence, Beckett thankful in Castle's knowledge of her favorite foods and consideration to order them. They spent some time after talking about the lack of progress they'd made in the case. Finally, Castle broached the subject that both partners needed to discuss, but were too uneasy to bring up.

"So." He said. He offered her a smile, hoping that she would jump in and help him get the ball rolling. She simply smiled back to him and repeated "So." They both swallowed their nervousness, but neither spoke.

When the awkwardness got to be too much Beckett stood, "Well it's getting late and I should-" Her words were stopped by the feel of his hand, reaching out to grasp her wrist. With a swift tug, Castle pulled her back to the couch, cupped the back of her head and pulled her in for a kiss. She responded readily, coming up onto her knees to wrap her arms around his shoulders. Still cupping the back of her head, running his fingers through her hair, he moved his other hand to rub her back. Soon he moved it to around her waist, caressed the side of her body and came to rest on her right breast. He cupped her soft flesh and then tweaked her nipple with his fingers, causing her to gasp and moan, pushing her hips up against his own.

With a swift movement, his hands were both at her sides, grasping her top and pulling it up and over her head. She watched his darkened eyes, full of lust, as he took her in. He ran his fingers up her ribcage and moved his mouth to the crevice between her breasts. Before his intentions occurred to her she felt him, his tongue and his lips, planting kisses directly over her scar. His arms wrapped around her and pulled her even closer if it were possible, continuing to kiss that spot sweetly. The emotions that he was drawing out were too intense, she was feeling too much for what she knew this was, just sex. She quickly grabbed his face and forced it up, bringing him into contact with her lips again in some attempt to lessen the emotions he was evoking within her.

She knew it was wrong; that letting herself get involved with him was not going to end well. Even as she sat there, his hands and lips moving over her body, she thought about what a bad idea this all was. She hated herself in that moment, hated that she was unable to push him away and do the responsible thing. She wanted to tell herself that she was simply acting out of a biological need, afterall it had been such a long self-imposed dry spell, but even that didn't convince her. Yes, she had withdrawn from sexual activity, _and it was_ _because I was waiting for him_, she acknowledged to herself. The problem was that she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that her craving for him came from a much deeper place than pure physical lust. She craved to be near him, to feel him, to smell him. She was irrevocably in love with the man and couldn't get close enough to him. Her excuses may have worked the first time, it could have been a fluke, but this? There was no explaining this away.

As he slowly lowered them to the couch, his body pressed into hers, similar thoughts were on Castle's mind. He needed to touch her everywhere, to explore every plain of her body and to kiss all of scars away. He wanted to envelope her within him and keep her safe from the world, to make her his and to give himself completely to her. However, he knew that the giving wouldn't be accepted. Their new-found physical relationship didn't change the fact that she didn't love him. If anything, her pushing him away from her scar proved that. He wanted to kiss her pain away, to show her how loved she was and how sorry he was for everything that she'd been through. That was too personal for her though and he knew that this was just sex. Still, he was already addicted; and like any addict, one more time would never be enough.

He was pulled from his musings by the feeling of her hands as they moved to undo his belt and lower the zipper on his jeans. She made no secret of what she wanted from him and, pushing all thought from his brain, he gave into his desire for her and provided it. Soon his pants were off. The feel of her hands stroking him through the silky material of his boxer shorts nearly undid him. He knew that he was moments from losing it and he had to do something to move her wicked hands before it was over. In a moment of desperation he grabbed both of her hands and forced them above her head; effectively pinning them there. A look of challenge flashed in her eyes, as he used his other hand to undo her jeans and slip his fingers beneath her panties. She let out a moan as he made contact with her, the pads of his fingers slowly pressing against her most sensitive spot. She bucked her hips into the air, giving him the silent message to remove the rest of her clothing. The challenge in her eyes was quickly replaced with one of desperation, conveying to him that she needed more and she needed it_ now._

Soon the remainder of their clothing was discarded. They both released a heavy sigh at the feeling of complete and unhindered skin on skin as his weight pressed her into the couch. He shifted her leg off the side of the sofa to provide them the necessary room and she took advantage of the change in position to wrap her other leg around his waist. He raised her back off the couch just slightly enough to wrap his arms around her, dragging his fingers lightly across her back and shoulders. She followed suit, arms around him and placing kisses along his neck.

Their eyes met, but only briefly as he entered her. He was slower this time, giving her time to adjust as he slowly pushed in. Soon he eased completely in and shuttered at the feel of her body, stretching to accommodate all of him. As they picked up their pace, the smoothness of her fingers caressing his back quickly shifted to a much rougher maneuver. Soon she was raising her hips to meet his every thrust, breathlessly demanding _harder, faster_. She let out a scream, scratching her fingers down his back fully as he finally thrust into her with full force. He took her higher and higher, as the tightness in her stomach coiled impossibly tighter and her screams grew louder. When she finally climaxed she took him with her, her muscles clamping from her orgasm forcing him into his own.

For a few minutes they lay there, the full weight of his body pinning her to the couch. It didn't occur to ether of them to care, as every muscle in their body seemed to go limp. When they finally separated, sweat coating them both, Kate rose from the couch and proceeded quietly to her bathroom. She returned with a towel for him, one for herself in her hands. As they cleaned themselves off they once again found themselves at a loss for words.

* * *

Things seemed to go on that way for weeks. They would meet up after work on most evenings, sometimes at his place but usually at hers. He soon learned that she could be quite loud and the privacy provided by her apartment left them with less worry of someone hearing their activities. They also continued to not talk about it. They would be partners at work, spinning wild theories and solving cases. Everyone noticed the ease with which they worked together, impressed that they seemed to have finally worked out the problems between them.

They seemed to have certain unspoken ground rules, boundaries in place to keep it from becoming too emotional. They could kiss, but not while he was inside of her. To an outsider it would seem absurd, but to them, the combination was too intense. They also didn't make eye contact for more than a few seconds. They could communicate their wants and desires, but there were no longing gazes or romantic stares. He didn't move to kiss her scar again, and the only words that were spoken between them were requests or commands during sexual activities. They also never spent the night, there was no cuddling after and souls were not bared. It seemed that their sexual exchanges could continue as long as they both respected the line in the sand that they drew. It would just be sex, never making love.

They knew it couldn't last forever, but neither could bring themselves to stop. Both had hoped that perhaps crossing the line would get the other person 'out of their system'. They thought that casual sex might take some of the mystery and the tension from their relationship; that moving on would somehow be easier if they just had sex and got it over with. However, instead of getting it out of their systems, the partners found themselves craving more. They wanted more, they wanted everything, and sooner or later something had to give.


	3. Chapter 3

**Like many of the reviews and messages I've received, I am of the opinion that these two are ridiculous. I figured that this story could take them to the extremes of said ridiculousness. It's amazing the drama that comes about when the solution could have been handled in 5 minutes over a cup of coffee…I'm just saying. **

**However, until someone teaches them to use their words, it makes for a fun story to tell.**

* * *

It's mid June when a case comes along that changes them both. Karen and Brian Cunningham were found murdered in their beds. The couple was asleep when someone broke into their home, although no signs of forced entry were found. The perpetrator shot both parents at close range before removing their infant daughter from her bed. Now, in addition to solving a homicide, the FBI was brought in to finding a missing child. Enter special agent Michael Sellers, tall, good-looking and obviously interested in Beckett.

He approached her right away, a sly grin on his face. With every wink and nod Kate felt more and more queasy. This agent Sellers was a real slime bag and there was no denying it. Still, captain Gates had assured the FBI her team's full cooperation and she'd been threatened to within an inch of her life to make nice with the man in front of her, currently undressing her with his eyes. She smiled, nodded and laughed at his jokes. He reached out to touch her on her arm or her back and she just ignored it. In reality, she wanted to castrate the son of a bitch who obviously thought he was God's gift to women. _Flirt it up all you want man whore_, she thought to herself, _I am going home with someone tonight and it's gonna be good and it sure as hell's not you_. She smiled to herself then, laughed at the thought of how the jackass would react when he saw her going home with Castle. _Speaking of Castle, where is he?_ She wondered. Little did she know he was there, watching their exchange.

Rick Castle stood in the precinct break room, watching Beckett with the agent. He watched her smile at him and laugh at him. He watched as the man, who obviously wanted in her pants, touched her and flirted with her. Castle's blood boiled as he saw the two obviously enjoying themselves. He couldn't see Kate's face, but he could see the asshole's. Whatever she was doing was working for agent jackass, that was for sure. He could see that she allowed him to put his hands on her. His flirtatious fingers were on her arm and on her back, and she simply laughed. She laughed. The writer saw red, he needed to get out of there before he started breaking things.

Making his way from the break room, he made a bee line for the elevator, hoping that she wouldn't notice his presence. He'd been absent when she left this morning on a lead, and had been in the break room when she returned. There was a good chance he could get out of there without her knowing he had come in at all. At the sound of her voice, "Castle!" he grimaced.

Kate looked up to see that Castle was there, she breathed a sigh of relief that her partner could at least help her make an escape, but upon viewing him making his way to the elevator she frowned. She called out his name in confusion. When he turned to face her he had an unreadable expression on his face. However, there was no mistaking the look in his eyes, the rage and the jealousy she saw there. _Oh shit,_ she thought to herself, _he thinks I'm messing around with this jackass._ Castle simply turned back around and got on the elevator, making his exit for the day.

* * *

That evening Kate paced her apartment. It had been a long day, but fortunately they'd gotten to the infant in time. Her parents had been killed by the nanny to allow the girl to be taken into an infant trafficking ring. Those behind it were apprehended and the city was a safer place because of it. Agent Sellers had offered to "celebrate" with her and she'd politely declined, thinking_ not if you were the last man on earth you walking bag of syphilis_, as she walked away. Besides, she had more pressing matters on her mind: Castle.

She knew he was upset, but wasn't sure what to do about it. Yes, she wouldn't deny that they were involved. Hell, they had been having sex just about every night for the past 2 months. It was so completely beyond '_working out their problems'_, as both partners found they couldn't go to sleep most nights if they hadn't had their nightly dose of whatever they were doing before returning to their respective homes. They'd even managed to have sex in a supply closet at the precinct once, after a heated disagreement over a suspect.

Even so, they had not put a label on what it was they were doing. Partners with benefits, she supposed; not really friends even. She wasn't even completely comfortable calling them _friends with benefits _anymore, as all they did these days were work and have sex; the occasional meal thrown in for sustenance.

As she continued to think about it she became irritated by his behavior. _What right does he have to be angry or jealous? He was the one that moved on. He was the one that pulled his heart out of the running, and made it unattainable. So I'm expected to hang around and let him screw me until he gets board?_ If it were any other man, Kate would have kicked him to the curb, but this wasn't any other man; this was _him_. Her anger increased as she heard a knock at the door.

Upon opening it Kate saw him standing there. Richard Castle had never looked so on the edge, so pissed in his life_, save the time this whole mess started_, she thought to herself as images of their first sexual encounter flashed through her mind. His fists were in the pockets of his jeans and he almost gave the impression that they were there to keep him from hitting something.

She should have taken a step back from the situation, calmed herself a bit before engaging, but she couldn't bring herself to. She was too pissed and it was high time these issues came out. She simply threw her door the rest of the way open, allowing him to follow but offering no invitation.

"So," He spoke bitterly. "Did you have a nice time with Special Agent Sellers?" He asked her, his voice laced with resentment. She was too pissed to give him the satisfaction of the truth, so Kate took the low road.

"As a matter of fact I did. What's it to you Castle?" She asked harshly in return.

"Did you solve the case? Did he offer his complete _assistance_ in the matter?" Kate just looked at him with confusion and contempt in her eyes. She didn't have time to form a coherent response though, as his next question was thrown at her.

"Did you fuck him _too _Beckett?" He spat the accusation at her. Shock crossed her face, replaced quickly by anger.

"How dare you?" She yelled back. "How is what I do any of your damn business?" Kate continued, "Just where the hell do you get off Castle?"

"Well," he started, "It just seemed to me that you do most of your best problem solving these days between the sheets." His harsh words struck her to the core, filling her with a rage equal to his own.

"Got a problem?" He spoke loudly and sarcastically "Let's just fuck it out! That's your M.O. now, isn't it Kate?"

"The last time I checked, _Rick_, you were more than willing to do the same. Besides, it was your unwillingness to share that got us into this little arrangement anyway. So don't you dare accuse me of avoiding my problems when you're doing the same damn thing." Kate was on a roll, finally unbidden, she let it all out.

"And why the hell do you care so much Castle? Answer that for me! Because last time I checked, you didn't give a damn about me. I thought we were past the pretenses Rick. So stop pretending that who I do and do not sleep with matters to you. Stop pretending that I'm anything more to you than a good fuck!" She was overwhelmed by the emotions that all seemed to come to the surface.

Rick took advantage of the pause in her words to throw out some of his own.

"Pretending? Who _exactly_ is pretending here Kate? **I** didn't lie to **you**. You _knew _how I felt about you. You _knew_ I loved you, and you pretended to not remember. So don't tell _me _about pretending." He yelled at her, before throwing even more verbal arsenal at her.

"Don't be such a damned hypocrite, Kate!"

She simply stared at him, wide-eyed and speechless at his revelation. _He knew._ She knew that she should apologize, explain it all, but she was still too pissed for logic.

"Then why the hell didn't you say anything Castle? You decide that fucking it out is the better solution?" He was stunned that she'd managed to put this on him.

"Yeah Kate, I decided that I'd rather not talk about it. Because it's MY job to manage _your_ secrets and lies." He spat at her sarcastically. "I clean up all your messes now, don't I?" He yelled.

"I'm not the one who used my friend and partner for sex, knowing how he felt about me." He simply stopped talking, meeting her stare, challenging her to dispute him.

"Is that so Castle? I used you?" Her glare pierced him enough to calm his rage, but the anger and bitterness still boiled within his blood. Kate continued her rant.

"You're just so hell bent on being the good guy, SO funny and charming, that you let yourself play the victim Castle. You're Mr. Perfect, who can do no wrong and it's all about you!" He laughed at her bitterly,

"You're one to talk about that. It's always been about you Kate; you, and nobody else. But I'll admit…"He continued "you were a pretty nice piece of ass." He didn't mean it, he was broken and angry and vulnerable and he just wanted her to hurt the way she hurt him.

He didn't have much time to regret his words though, as no sooner than they were out of his mouth she slapped him; she slapped him hard, disbelief over what he said crossing her features.

Finally, with all the fight gone from her voice, and on the verge of tears, she stepped back from him. _So this is what we've come to_, she sadly thought.

"You know what Castle? If that's what you want to think than great." She simply stared at him, her defenses down and heartbreak written all over her face.

"I hope those thoughts keep you warm at night Rick, because you know what?" She looked right into his eyes and continued, a tremble in her voice,

"I did love you. I loved you with everything I had, everything I was, but you destroyed that Rick. YOU did." She turned away from him then, walking towards her bedroom, "now get the hell out of my life."

With those words she slammed her door.

With the same look of utter desperation on his face he followed suit, exiting her apartment for what he assumed would be the last time. It was over. They were over.

* * *

**So yeah. That was nasty, right? :) Reviews are lovely! **


	4. Chapter 4

**I am happy to present the next chapter the same day as the one before, but I'm afraid that you're not going to like it. I thought seriously about changing things, but this story is going in a specific direction and I can't seem to change it. I've got to stick to the plot...Hang in there with me and the ending will be worth it, I think. I hope you'll agree. Thanks for reading :)**

* * *

July, 2012. 

Four weeks, it had been four long and miserable weeks since he'd seen her face. He hadn't touched her, or smelled her, or kissed her in a month. Richard Castle was going out of his mind. He thought bitterly back to their last fight once again, he'd thrown some pretty ugly and unforgivable things at her that night. There was no going back now, no matter how much he loved her.

What he hated most was that he'd been so very wrong. She had loved him. She loved him and he broke her heart. He would never forgive himself for throwing away what they might have had together. Despite their separation, he was still filled with the need to care for her; to know that she was ok. He'd never loved another woman like he did her and he didn't think that would ever change.

He'd even tried to call Lanie about a week ago. He just wanted to know that she was ok, but instead of confirmation of her well-being, he got an ear-full from the doctor.

"How the hell are you going to say that stuff to her Castle? I thought you were smarter than that? What were you thinking?" He had no defense for his actions, he'd gotten jealous and acted like a prick and it had cost him everything.

"Do you want to know the kicker Castle? She wasn't even involved with that FBI agent, he was a sleaze-bag and she had someone better. Or at least we thought she did, but obviously are proving everyone wrong aren't you?" He finally tried to break her off.

"Please Lanie. I know I messed up. I know that I don't deserve another chance, I just need to know that she's doing ok. Lanie, please. You know how much I love her. How much I've always loved her." He waited for Lanie to take his words in, pleading that she would understand.

"She's doing ok Castle. Not great, but ok. We're seeing that she's taken care of." He sighed.

"Thank you Lanie, you have no idea-"she cut him off.

"Castle. You love her? You really love her? If you love her as much as you claim to then you'll do what's best for her. Leave her the hell alone." Lanie was blunt. She really did like Castle, but she'd never seen Kate the way she had been over the past weeks. She was physically ill over what had happened between them.

"Just leave her alone Castle. Let her move on with her life. Give her chance to heal and be happy again Castle. If you love her as much as you say you do you'll stay away." He sighed heavily into the phone.

"Thank you Lanie."

She sighed, sorry for having to be so hard on the man. She really did have high hopes for them. "Castle, you take care of yourself too."

With that their conversation ended. It was the last Contact he had with the twelfth before he left New York City for good.

* * *

Richard Castle sighed as he stared out the large window the spacious apartment. The view was stunning, The city had a very historic feel to it, as if he were looking years into the past. He'd spent the past couple of days growing acclimated to being in a new town, and a new country.

When Alexis made her decision to go to Oxford University, Castle decided that he would buy a place nearby. He lived close enough to provide his daughter with a safe base, somewhere to come home to when she needed it. Though he was still far enough to give the girl her privacy, as she was living on campus.

He thought that being across the ocean and several time zones away would make things easier. It didn't matter, 3500 miles wasn't far enough for him to get her out of his mind. He went to sleep with her memory, dreamed of her, and awoke with her face on his mind.

On several occasions he'd find himself out in public and could swear he'd spot her; sometimes across the street, sometimes in the grocery store. He knew that it wasn't really her, just his heart and his mind wanting her to be there with him.

* * *

February, 2013

As the months went by Castle decided that it was time to move on. He knew that there was no hope for his heart, but acknowledged that he could at least move on from Nikki Heat. The books were finished, the contracts had ended. Now was the time for him to move on. He considered another detective, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. At one point he found a forensic pathologist and nearly shadowed him. In the end, there just wasn't enough inspiration. Nothing compared to Kate Beckett.

He eventually found inspiration when he least expected it, from a consultant he met while at a university function with his daughter. Her name was Brenda Long and although working for Oxford, she was an American as well. Alexis was taking an elective course in criminology taught by the woman, eager to keep some thread of the work she'd done with the precinct in her studies.

Brenda was a beautiful woman. She was tall and curvaceous in all the right places, her dark hair fell down her back. He couldn't deny that she looked slightly like Kate did, and that may have been one of the things that attracted him to her as a potential muse.

Their personalities were completely different though. Where Kate was hard and closed, this woman was light and open. She'd obviously not carried the same burdens throughout her life and it left her with more of a carefree essence.

Her whimsical vibe was not to be mistaken for lack of intelligence though. This woman was a doctor. She was a specialist in developmental psychopathology and a criminologist who often worked with local law enforcement to assist in cases that required special insights. She was called all over the country to consult.

Brenda had been very impressed with the famous author, who had requested to spend some time shadowing her next case. He began to think of the sexy professor who would go on adventures and solve mysteries with her brilliant logic and hot body.

She would be the female Indiana Jones. Brenda found the idea to be thrilling, obviously eager to be the next muse of Richard Castle. He found her pleasant, and she made herself available to him in every way he needed. She even offered things he didn't need, that he wasn't ready for. She'd simply shrugged and made it clear that she was ready when he was.

Soon he had an idea, then a detailed concept, then an outline. Soon Richard Castle was writing again in full force, the publishers very pleased with the quality of his work. It seemed that Nikki Heat was not the end for Richard Castle. It had taken months, but he was coming back.

* * *

Over time he tried to convince himself that maybe there could be something more there. He tried to believe that with time his feelings would grow. If he could will himself to fall for her he would, just to move on. In the mean time he saw her socially, their photograph often finding it's way to the front page of many papers and magazines. Unlike Kate, Brenda enjoyed the attention. She enjoyed the fame and the extravagance of being linked to the author.

She didn't use him for his money, she was successful in her own right and didn't need it. He found himself very attracted to the notion that she could be with him for reasons than the money, as she was the only woman, aside from Kate, who had ever accepted him for who he was. Granted, she was drawn to the fame, but still-it was an improvement over many of the other women he'd dated in his life.

Alexis seemed to like her too, glad to see her dad dating a strong and smart woman who was also emotionally available. She hoped that the woman would be able to mend what the detective had broken and Castle knew that. Yes, he told himself, he could fall for this woman; he just needed time to put his heart back together. He had been living in England for 7 months and he just needed a little more time to get over Kate Beckett.

**A/N: The next few chapters are going to involve a bit of time travel, as we go back and follow Kate as she copes with Castle being gone. **


	5. Chapter 5

**I apologize if the warning wasn't sufficient at the beginning of the last chapter, or that the story description with "consequences" wasn't ether. I'm also new and wasn't aware that fighting had to be angsty. My interpretation is that anger and angst are separate, but I realize that not everyone agrees with me. I won't make the mistake again. **

**I've added angst to the category to further warn people. I'm sorry, but I am unable to tell a good story without drama. The goal is not to frustrate anyone, but to tell the story in my head; which has a happy ending. I knew where the story was going when I began, but did not anticipate the level of angst in getting there. So a****gain, my apologies.**

* * *

July, 2012:

Lanie Parish was beside herself. She'd never seen her best friend so upset. She was definitely not herself. She'd been so upset by what had transpired with Castle that she found herself unable to eat. When she would try her system would simply revolt and she'd spend hours sick. She was pale and sickly and Lanie was worried about her.

These thoughts crossed her mind as she listened to the desperate voice of man on the phone,

"_Please Lanie. I know I messed up. I know that I don't deserve another chance, I just need to know that she's doing ok. Lanie, please. You know how much I love her. How much I've always loved her." He waited for Lanie to take his words in, pleading that she would understand. _

"_She's doing ok Castle. Not great, but ok. We're seeing that she's taken care of." He sighed. _

"_Thank you Lanie, you have no idea-"she cut him off. _

"_Castle. You love her? You really love her? If you love her as much as you claim to then you'll do what's best for her. Leave her the hell alone." Lanie was blunt. She really did like Castle, but she'd never seen Kate the way she had been over the past weeks. She was physically ill over what had happened between them. _

"_Just leave her alone Castle. Let her move on with her life. Give her chance to heal and be happy again Castle. If you love her as much as you say you do you'll stay away." He sighed heavily into the phone. _

"_Thank you Lanie." _

_She sighed, sorry for having to be so hard on the man. She really did have high hopes for them. "Castle, you take care of yourself too." _

She meant what she said, she knew that the man had acted like a fool, but she knew better than to think it was all his fault. Kate doesn't exactly mince words when she's pissed and Lanie had no uncertainty that Kate was as much to blame as Castle was.

Still, Kate had stood by her through some pretty rough stuff and she would do the same for her. Silently she hoped for things to blow over and for the two to finally work their differences out. It was clear that they were in love.

No sooner than she'd hung up the phone, she heard the feeble voice of her best friend.

"Hey Lanie. Have you got anything?" Kate had come down to check the evidence on a case, but anyone who looked at her could tell that she needed to be home in bed.

"Kate." She said, urging her friend to listen to her words for once. "You look simply awful. Why don't you just go home? Take the afternoon off?"

Kate simply shrugged her shoulders, "Because Lanie, it's just a bug. I'll be over it in a few days." She tried to sound convincing, but between the dizziness and nausea nobody was buying it.

"Ok. Will you at least let me run a CBC on you? Just let me check your blood counts. If you've got a serious infection you're going to need medical care and you know it."

Kate sighed. "If I do this for you, Will you promise to drop this afterwards?" Kate implored her.

"Yes." She answered.

Kate allowed her to draw a vile of blood for testing. She wasn't too concerned, as she knew Lanie would call her if there was evidence of her fighting infection."

Kate stepped down from her seat on the table after Lanie was finished, heading back upstairs. "I'll talk to you later Lanie."

Lanie sat alone for a few minutes, contemplating her friend. She'd been through hell, her heart was broken and she was sick. Whether or not she wanted to deny it, she was sick. _It's probably all this damn stress on her body_, she thought to herself.

As she prepared the vile to be sent to the lab, she checked all the likely causes that could indicate what was bothering her, including blood counts, hormones and macronutrient deficiencies. Sighing to herself, she returned to the autopsy she'd been working on before her day had been interpreted.

* * *

Kate sat at her desk, head pounding as she held it in her hands. There was no denying that she felt like hell. She'd been feeling like hell since he left. _Castle_, she thought about him again. Even she was surprised at how badly they'd messed things up.

She missed him like one of her own limbs were missing. She'd lost count of the times that she'd almost picked up the phone to call him. Every time they would have a case with a slight twist she'd reach for the phone, only to remind herself that she couldn't do that anymore.

She fully admitted to herself that losing him was devastating. However, she knew that he wasn't coming back. She knew that they aimed to kill with their words and her heart was a casualty of war. No, Kate Beckett would have to find a way to move on.

In some way, she tried to convince herself that it was good for her that he was finally gone. She acknowledged that trying to move on while he was around was pointless. Hell, the first attempt to do that resulted in months of casual sex and ultimately ended with the disintegration of _them._ No, it was good he was gone. She reminded herself of this again and again, at _least he is gone now and I have a chance to live my life without him_, she thought to herself.

She was interrupted from her musings by the ringing of her cellphone.

"Beckett." She answered in her customary tone.

"Hey girl, it's Lanie." Her voice sounded somewhat off.

"Hey Lanie. So, do I have the plague? Am I going to die? Because if I am, I'd might as well put off this damned paperwork." She smiled to herself, amused by her own little joke.

"No sweetie, you're not dying." Lanie began. "You're not sick at all Kate."

"Oh yeah?" Kate pressed her friend, a hint of a smile still on her face.

"Yeah Kate. You're not sick. You're pregnant." The smile was swiftly wiped from Beckett's face.

* * *

Kate sat numbly on her sofa. This wasn't real. It wasn't happening. Lanie sat next to her, watching her friend intently. "Lanie, I just don't…It doesn't make sense."

"Well Kate. Did you guys always use protection?" Kate looked to her best friend and then down to her glass of water. "No" she admitted.

"The first two times we had sex we didn't use protection Lanie, but it was only those two times and I took precautions after." Lanie raised her eyebrows at Kate's words.

"You took precautions?"

"Yeah. I took the morning after pill both times. I thought you had 72 hours to take it, but I took it within 12 hours both times Lanie." She looked pleadingly at Lanie, as if the information she was sharing would make it all not true.

"Twice? You took the damn thing twice? Not smart Kate. That's too many hormones. You need to see a doctor soon to make sure everything is ok!" Kate's eyes grew wider, fear in them evident.

Lanie simply sighed to her friend, squeezing her hand. "Kate, the morning after pill doesn't prevent contraception. It prevents ovulation. If you've already ovulated…" She paused to watch Kate's face as she let the information sink in.

"Plus Kate, the morning after pill is only about 89% effective." Still holding her hand, Lanie gave her a comforting squeeze.

Kate looked up to her with tears in her eyes. "What am I supposed to do Lanie? He's…he's gone. He doesn't want anything to do with me. How am I supposed to go to him with this?" Lanie smiled to her and spoke.

"Kate, he loves his daughter. Of all the things that Rick is, a great father is at the top of that list. He'll be invested and you know it." Kate nodded, but tears began to course down her cheeks.

"Lanie, he won't want to be in this with me. He admitted to me, to my face, that I was nothing but a piece of ass to him. How am I supposed to raise a child with a man who hates me?" Lanie rubbed her back, whispering words of comfort to calm her down. Once Kate had a grip on her emotions Lanie spoke.

"So, if you only had unprotected sex twice, let's assume that you got pregnant one of those two times." When would it have been? Kate thought back. Their fight happened after Slaughter, so April.

"I would say about second week of April" Kate replied, before adding, "for both times."

"Ok," Lanie calculated, "40 weeks would put the baby due around January." Kate just stared at her as if she'd grown another limb. It was still so odd to think about her having a baby. Lanie continued,

"But we should make an appointment with and OBGYN to confirm things Kate."

She nodded her agreement.

* * *

"Congratulations Kate. You're pregnant, about 12 weeks I'd say." Kate just stared at the doctor. He looked back to her and continued, "So you'll be due around January 11th, and you're just entering your second trimester." She still just continued to stare, as if the doctor were speaking Swedish.

"Well," he spoke awkwardly, "how about you get yourself dressed and we can try hear your baby?" That shook her out of her shock a bit. "Hear it?" She asked.

"Yes Kate. You're 12 weeks, we should be able to hear your baby's heart beat by now, actually since 10 weeks." He smiled and she nodded, moving from the table to get dressed. She was glad she'd worn loose-fitting yoga pants, as she could put clothing on sooner.

Kate lay back as they re-entered the room, pulling the machine closer to the bed. A cool gel was squirted onto her lower abdomen and soon a wand-like device was being pressed to her. They moved it around a few seconds before a prominent swooshing could be heard in the room.

The noise took her breath away as it hit her. There was a baby inside her and the thought was amazing. The doctor then drew her attention to the screen and all thought left her brain. There it was, right there on the screen she could see her baby, _their_ baby. She could see the baby's head and stomach, and even a little hand. It took her breath away.

* * *

She needed to tell him, and she needed to tell him soon. Weeks had gone by and she couldn't bear the thought of him not knowing any longer. By her 16th week she was undeniably pregnant to anyone who saw her in tight fitting tops, but it could easily be hidden by baggy sweaters and loose button downs. At one point, about three days after her first appointment, she'd asked Lanie why she wasn't showing yet.

She'd gotten all of the books, and had started to read. She knew that her baby was growing at an alarmingly fast rate, knew that it already had teeth and nails forming, that it had facial expressions and was moving it's little limbs in there, kicking up a storm. Of course she couldn't feel the kicks, because it was still too small for that, but she was amazed at how active it already was.

Given all the information she'd taken in, she couldn't fathom how she could have gone through her first trimester without even knowing she was pregnant. She felt sick, of course, but she thought it was stress from the job and from the situation with Rick. Never in a million years would she have thought this. She felt stupid because of it too.

Lanie tried to soothe her, told her that it was actually very common for women to not find out they were pregnant until around 12 or so weeks, especially when they had irregular periods. She also told her that when they were very slim, as Kate was (especially after the shooting), it could take even longer for her to start to show.

By 13 weeks Kate could see it, a little protrusion in her lower abdomen that she wouldn't have paid much attention to had she not looked for it. Truth be told, it may have been there before, but she wasn't in the frame of mind to even pay attention. Now she did, now she'd examine herself every morning and every night looking for signs of life; and they were certainly there.

She still considered herself a coward, she had not yet gathered the courage to call him. They boys knew that the child had to be Castle's, and they knew he was not in the picture. It made them furious. However, Kate had threatened to remove uncle Javi and uncle Ryan privileges if they tried to contact him. Both men agreed, but they didn't think it was right that he not take responsibility. Little did they know, he wasn't even aware.

* * *

By the end of the week she couldn't wait anymore, she could feel the slight raise in her abdomen, she knew what it meant, and she couldn't deny the reality of her situation. Regardless of how he did or did not feel about her anymore, she was pregnant and he had the right to know. She may be a coward, and she may be broken hearted, but she loved him too much to deny him the right to his child.

She sighed heavily to herself, hands running through her hair. Taking a deep breath, she called his cell.

As she waited for him to answer, Kate rehearsed the conversation that would unfold. How was she supposed to do this? _Hey Castle, remember me? I was the great piece of ass? Well, oops! Congratulations, we're pregnant!_ She rolled her eyes at the thought of it. There were no words to help, but she had to move. Denial wasn't going to be an option forever. Instead of hearing his voice at the other end she heard an automated message.

"We're sorry, but the number you have reached has been disconnected." Kate swallowed back tears as she replayed the word in her head, _disconnected, disconnected._ This was bad, so much worse than she could have imagined. It was one thing to fight and to flee, needing space. However, to disconnect your phone brought it to another level altogether.

She tried another way, she called his house phone and left a message that he needed to call her back. No response. She called Alexis, also disconnected. Now she grew suspicious. She went by the loft, but there was no answer.

Finally, out of ideas, Kate called the publishing company. She spoke with Paula and told her that it was critical that she get in touch with him. The agent did nothing to help, other than to say that she was forbidden to give the personal information of her clients to anyone.

Kate was appalled at being treated as if she were just some random person off the street. _Maybe to him I am just another person off the street now_, she insecurely thought. She pushed the thought from her mind and continued to reason with Paula.

"Please, I need to see him. His numbers are changed and I've tried the loft-"

"The loft?" Paula spoke "Why would you go to the loft?" She paused a moment, everything clicking into place. "Oh. He didn't tell you, did he?" Paula seemed to be getting a lot of satisfaction out of Beckett's situation.

"Tell me what Paula?" Beckett asked impatiently.

"Wow. He must really not want you to know, and here I thought he was being all dramatic." Paula continued.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Kate was growing angry.

"Rick left the country Kate. He moved to England." Paula finished and made an excuse to end the call.

Kate sat there, stunned, with the phone in her hands. He had left, really left. The tears couldn't be held back anymore. Kate cried herself to sleep that night, thoughts of never seeing Rick again running through her mind while her hand caressed the small bump on her abdomen.


	6. Chapter 6

**Thanks for sticking with me. :) We're moving on from the angst now! **

February, 2013

He sighed to himself as he walked through LaGuardia airport. It had been a long time since he'd been back in the states. He smiled upon spotting his mother, who held her arms open for him.

"Hey Kiddo!" She smiled to him and embraced her only son. "It's good to have you home." He smiled, "it's good to be home mom". He'd decided that it would be a good idea to get out of England for awhile, the media had a frenzy with engagement rumors about him and his former muse. Things had ended fairly well between them, They'd come to accept that she wasn't what he was looking for, and it wasn't fair to ether one of them to carry on. She was very amicable about it all, wishing him luck back in the states.

They had never been engaged. Hell, they'd worked together and seen eachother socially on occasion, but nothing deeper ever developed. He couldn't do it. He couldn't be with someone when he couldn't move past Kate. Somehow, rumors of an engagement had spread like wildfire, only to be fueled by news of a dramatic breakup and Richard Castle's mysterious lover, who had broken them up. It was a complete crock, but it was what it was.

* * *

So, Rick found himself back in the states, after months abroad. He'd made the decision to man up and finally go see her. He should have done it in the first place, and he knew that it was too late now. Still, if nothing else maybe he could salvage some sort of friendship between the two of them.

It was with that intent that he found himself, the day after arriving, stepping into the 12th. He looked around the building, so different and yet unchanged at the same time. Upon spotting the boys he broke into a grin.

"Hey!" He greeted them. "It's great to see you guys!" The smile fell from his face as they simply met him with cold stares. Ryan didn't really acknowledge him, but Esposito stood and confronted the man.

"You got a lot of nerve showing your face here after everything." He said, a fierce protectiveness in his voice. Castle frowned and bowed his head.

"Look, you're right Espo. I know I messed up and I just need a chance to make it right. I know I said things I shouldn't have said to her." He paused as the detective crowded him even further, staring him down.

"You said things? It's not what you said Castle. It's not what you did. It's what you didn't do." He raised two fingers and pointed them directly into the writers chest.

"You just left her in that condition, you took off. She went through it all by herself." Esposito was simply stunned by his lack of understanding about how serious this all was.

"You can leave Beckett if you want to mess her up, and you did bro-you did, but leave a child? What the hell castle?" He simply stared at the writer.

"Wha..What? A child? What are you talking about? I want to England to be closer to my child." Rick was confused.

"Oh. I see. So you chose one over another, leaving the mother to fend for herself. You're a lower than I thought Castle." If looks could kill than Esposito would be behind bars for murder.

Rick was filled with panic, "What are you talking about? the mother? I'm going to need your help because I'm honestly lost here." Castle simply stared from Esposito to Ryan, as if the other detective could offer him some sort of information.

Clarity of the situation dawned on Ryan as he saw the confused features on Castle's face. _Of course,_ the Irish detective thought to himself. It finally made sense, Castle abandoned his kid because he didn't know it existed. Kate never told him she was pregnant.

Ryan finally stood and approached. He spoke, his voice somewhat softer than his partner's "Castle. Did Beckett tell you she was pregnant?" Castle's eyes were filled with shock and he had to prop himself on the nearest desk for support. "she was what?" He asked, a lump forming in his throat.

"You honestly didn't know bro?" Esposito suspiciously questioned him.

"In all the years you've known me, would you ever think I would turn my back on a child?" The partners nodded at his words. Things made a whole lot more sense now, and they sure as hell were not getting any more involved than they already were. They both went back to their desks, sitting down and getting back to work.

Castle watched as they simply got back to work, disbelief on his face. "Wait a minute. Did she have the baby? What was it? Is she ok? Is the baby ok?"

They simply looked up at him, Esposito casually stating "go see Beckett." Ryan followed suit "yeah, go see Beckett," before answering, "you do remember where she lives, don't you?"

He left them both there, making his way to her apartment. He needed to confirm that they were telling the truth. He didn't know why they would lie about something like that, but it had been a long time and he hadn't contacted anyone. They could just be messing with him.

* * *

Kate sat on her couch, nestled up in a soft sweater which wrapped around her and tied at the waist, with a pair of flannel bottoms. Her feet were clad in warm, fuzzy socks and she had a hot cup of tea in her hands.

Ben had been exceptionally challenging to put down that morning. She'd never known love like she did the moment she first laid eyes on her precious son; his gorgeous blue eyes looking back at her. She was filled with complete and utter joy every time looked at the beautiful boy. He'd arrived early, making his grand entrance on New Years Day. She thought it was fitting, he'd always be her new years baby.

He had Castle's features, his nose and she had reason to hope that those blue eyes were there to stay. The boy's hair was dark though, like hers, and a bit unruly. When he was born it stuck out in every direction, like a little rock star who had spiked it preparing to go to a gig. He was perfect in every way.

Sometimes she'd just look at him, as she'd done this morning after he'd finally fallen asleep. He was wearing a light blue sweater, with little folded sleeves to reveal his tiny curled hands. The knitted sweater had been a gift from Lanie and it fell just above his diaper. His tiny form in his crib continuously amazed her, of all the horrible things that could have happened between her and Castle, the most beautiful outcome. She loved his little feet, they way the curled under and reflexed when she brushed her fingers under them. He also had incredibly long eye lashes that she just loved to sprinkle kisses over.

She loved to just sit with him and hold him, laying him flat on her chest and giving him a chance to try to stare up at her. The books said his vision would be the last sense to develop, so he couldn't make out details of her face yet. However, his sense of touch was developed before he was born, and he could hear her and smell her, so this closeness gave them both a chance to bond. She loved this time, the time she could just sit and caress the soft skin on his back. Kate Beckett was in love like she'd never been before. She was over the moon. Her only wish was that Castle was with her to share in the joy that he was.

All of the worry, the hurt and the angst she'd experienced as she carried him to term disappeared in the moment she heard his voice the first time. _My son_, she thought to herself. He often thought about the boy's father, and had even tried Paula on several occasions.

In a final act of desperation she'd admitted to the woman that she was having his baby, his son. By that time she'd known it was a boy, and learning that fact had brought back her need to try and contact the man. It was of no use. Ether she wasn't telling him or he didn't care. Kate couldn't imagine the latter being true.

She sighed to herself as she sipped her tea, thinking again about the perfect creature sleeping just down the hall. _The perfect creature_, Kate thought to herself, _who hates to be put down. _Yes, even at 7 weeks, he needed to be the center of attention, _just like his father_, she smiled sadly to herself.

She'd read several opinions on cuddling babies versus letting them cry it out and she'd finally consulted Dr. Burke for his professional opinion. He'd informed her that babies as young as Ben cry because they can't self-soothe. They are not capable of it on a physiological level, so carrying him, caressing him and helping to calm him were all healthy and ideal responses. Kate Beckett never let her son cry it out, but boy did it get exhausting on her own.

She was disrupted from her musings by a knock at her door. It was the middle of the day and Lanie and the boys had work, so she didn't know who would be dropping by. She opened the door to find him standing there, staring at her. In that moment, her breath left her lungs.

Richard Castle simply stared at the woman who had opened the door. She looked tired, sleep deprived, but beautiful. She was more stunning than he remembered and it took everything in his power not to take her in his arms.

When the shock of his presence at her door passed she opened it and spoke,

"Rick! It' s good to see you, um-" She trailed off, unsure of what to say or do.

"Kate. Hi. I just got back into town and I wanted to…I needed to…" He was at a loss for words too, he couldn't stop himself from trying to get a look at the apartment behind her. He wanted some evidence that what the boys had said was true, but he found none.

_Maybe they were just messing with me_, he thought, _maybe they wanted to_- his thoughts were cut off by the sounds of crying coming from inside the apartment.

Kate simply muttered, "Damnit" and turned to answer the cry.

Rick was stunned for a moment, standing alone at her doorway and completely unsure of what to do. He slowly walked in and closed the door behind him. He felt light-headed, looking around at the terrain of her apartment, which had changed quite a bit now that he had an unobstructed view.

There was a small play pen next to the couch, laundry baskets filled with tiny clothing, there were bottles in the kitchen and pacifiers on the shelf. He also spotted small toys were near the couch, as were more blankets.

He slowly walked in the direction of Kate's voice, hearing little murmurs; a tiny voice making its presence known. He approached the room and stood to gaze in, the walls were painted blue and there was a boarder surrounding the room depicting sail boats. He noted that there were clouds painted onto the ceiling. The furniture in the room was all white, a beautiful crib, changing table and rocking chair, along with shelves and various supplies.

His gaze fell on Kate, who cradled a small bundle in her arms, the little head supported and resting against her chest. She sung softly to the child, her nose and lips resting on the baby's soft head. Tears built in his eyes and he was overwhelmed by the beauty of the moment. He was overwhelmed by the complete joy of watching the woman he loved cradle their child.

She turned her head slightly, resting her cheek against the baby's head. "Hi. Rick." She spoke softly, barely above a whisper as to not disturb the small boy in her arms. She nervously moved closer to where he stood, bringing herself and the baby within Castle's reach. She looked into his eyes and with a soft smile she spoke, "This is Benjamin Alexander, your son."


	7. Chapter 7

**Hello again all. I appreciate all the reviews more than you know. I'm always happy for feedback about my writing too, so thank you all! **

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Once, when Richard Castle was a little boy, he was out riding his bike. While cruising down the street he noticed that one of the houses, where his friend lived, was having a pool installed. He watched with excitement at the thought of having a place to swim on hot summer days. Richard was so caught up in the excitement that he didn't see the giant pothole in the road.

When he hit it he was going full speed, not having had time to avert the uneven pavement. He was able to steer the front wheel, but the back caught and caused the entire bike to flip. Young Richard flew into the air and landed on his back. The force of the fall knocked the air out of his lungs and for a few terrifying seconds, the boy was afraid that his breath was never going to return. He lay on the ground that summer afternoon feeling that he would suffocate, unable to just catch his breath.

The adult Richard Castle felt very much like that in the moment when Kate revealed he had a son. The color drained from his face and tears burned in his eyes. He'd been warned by Ryan and Esposito that she'd been pregnant, but hearing her confirm it, watching the infant in her arms, tilted his universe on its axis. He simply stared at her. She'd had his baby. She'd gotten pregnant, carried him to term, delivered him and was living here raising her son, _their _son. Slowly he looked up to her and whispered, "how could you Kate?" She looked to his face, noting the pain and betrayal his expression wore.

"How could you keep this from me? Keep _him_ from me?" He finally looked to the sleeping infant in her arms, reaching out to caress the soft hair on his warm head. The first touch of his son's fine hair and soft skin nearly broke him. Again he looked up to her, voice breaking as he struggled to keep his emotions in check.

"Why would you do this?" He simply looked to her, silently begging for her to say something that would make it all better.

The look in his eyes shattered her heart. She couldn't help feeling guilty, she'd done everything she could to contact him, _but I should have tried harder_, she berated herself. It killed her to see him in so much pain. Still, he was the one who left, who left the country without a word. He'd turned off his phone and made himself unavailable. This wasn't all on her. As she thought, her own feelings of hurt and anger, feelings of abandonment rose to the surface. Yes, rationally she knew that he didn't know any better, but in her heart she felt abandoned by him.

"I think we need to talk Castle." She whispered in a somewhat dejected tone, as she walked Ben back to his crib and lowered his sleeping body onto the firm mattress. Castle watched her as she leaned in, brushing her long hair behind her ear as she ghosted a kiss across their baby's cheek.

The vision was bittersweet, watching Kate tenderly kiss their child gave rise to a strong feeling of love, pride and a fierce protectiveness; it filled him with hope. However, thinking about all he'd missed out on, all that he would have missed if he hadn't dropped by made him feel despondent. _Would she ever have told me that we had a child?_ He thought to himself.

He moved to her couch and settled there, sitting silently with his head cradled in his hands and staring at the floor. Kate studied him silently for a moment, contemplating his brooding stance. She moved over and sat on the edge of her wooden coffee table, positioning herself directly across from him.

"Castle, Rick…I didn't find out that I was pregnant until after you left. I didn't even know until July." She waited for him to look up at her, to acknowledge the horrible timing of their circumstances, but his gaze simply remained fixed to the floor.

"I tried to call you but the phone was disconnected." He gave a "humph" at her words, finally responding.

"So I don't answer my phone and you gave up? That is my _child_ in there Kate." He raised his head fully to meet her gaze. "I had a right to know Kate." In all their years of working together, through the worst fights they'd ever had, she'd never seen him looking at her quite the way he was in that moment. He met her eyes with a mixture of confusion, betrayal and disbelief. It was a look that devastated her. Her eyes widened and tears formed, _Damnit_, she thought to herself, _I'm not going to cry_.

"I didn't give up then Rick. I tried. I tried again and again, but you were gone. You'd vanished Castle. You didn't even try to pick up the pieces, you were just gone" She raised her voice slightly, unable to keep her lip from trembling and the tears from her eyes. "You try to lay the blame on me Castle, but you left. You chose to leave the country."

"But I didn't know!" He interjected.

"And by the time I did you were gone!" She defended.

"I left because I thought it was the right thing to do." He admitted. "Lanie said that if I loved you I would leave you alone and give you a shot at happiness with someone else."

Kate's eyes shot up to him. "You talked to Lanie?" He nodded. She knew that Lanie and the boys were extremely protective, that they despised Castle for what he'd done and what he said. However, Kate couldn't help but feel a rush of anger at the knowledge that Lanie had sent him away. _Well, she didn't send him away, I did_; _but she didn't tell me that they'd talked,_ _that he'd cared enough to call. _She wasn't sure that it would have made a difference at the time, considering how angry she was at him. Still, she and Lanie were going to have a talk about it, and soon.

"I know she was just trying to protect you Kate, but I thought I was doing what was right."

Both took a moment to breathe and calm themselves down. There would be no yelling match with their son asleep in the next room. Once she had better control over her voice, Beckett spoke again.

"When I found out that I was having a boy I tried again Rick." She reached forward and put her hand on his knee, pleading him to listen to her.

"I tried to reach you through Paula. I called before, but she told me that you wanted nothing to do with me." She shifted her eyes to the floor, not wanting him to see the raw pain that she still carried from their last encounter.

"Kate, I never-" He tried to tell her that he never said that, and he never could say that, but she interrupted him and continued.

"I tried Rick, I told her that I was pregnant and that he was yours. I told her that I needed to talk to you, to see you. She told me that she would give you the message, but I never heard from her. I never heard from you." A rage filled him at her words, his fists clenched and his pulse rose. Paula was going to answer for this.

He finally softened his expression to her, placing his hand on the one she'd laid on his knee. "I'm sorry Kate. I'm sorry I wasn't here." She nodded, before adding her own attempt to mend fences, "you didn't know Castle." He nodded.

They sat there, hands linked on his knee, looking into eachother's eyes. She searched his gaze for some hint that what he'd felt before still existed, but before they could process it Ben's cry sounded. She sighed to herself, stressed by his wakefulness, and moved to stand.

His hand reached to grasp her wrist, making her pause and turn back to him. He swallowed and stood.

"Can I?" He motioned his head towards the crying baby's room. "Would it be all right if I got him?" Her facial expression softened and she nodded at his request.

He walked back to the room and proceeded to Ben's crib. Leaning over, he soothed the infant "shhhhh…daddy's here. Daddy's got you." He lifted the boy and laid his small body against his chest, inhaling the scent of his son. He wrapped his arms around the boy to secure him to his chest and caressed him lightly in attempt to sooth him.

Beckett watched the scene before her unfold and wasn't able to keep her tears back. He was finally here, holding Ben in his arms. She'd envisioned this moment for so long, but the reality of it far surpassed her hopes.

As she watched the men she loved most in the world, she said a silent prayer. She prayed that it wasn't too late for them; that some part of him still cared for her. _Please_, she thought to herself, _please let there still be a chance for us._

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**I'm having more fun telling this now that they're back on the same continent, but they've definitely still got a few things to work out. The journey should be very interesting though. :)  
**

**Leave a review and I'll make a wish and blow it out...Today's my Birthday! :) **


	8. Chapter 8

**Ha! Another one. I'm on fire. I'm also proud to admit that I like baby fics, although there is a twist on this one, I agree. **

**What are the baby haters going to do "in season 7, when they have a baby? A boy?"-paraphrase from SK. (****Disclaimer, I am in no way affiliated with SK and I don't own her words. I'm pretty sure she does).**

**It was pointed out in one of the reviews, however, that her birthday is this week too...Taurus women unite! **

**ok...done now. Enjoy the story friends on the inter-webs. **

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When Castle finally put his son back to bed, he turned back to Kate, who was watching him with a dreamy expression. It filled him with warmth and excitement and possibly even hope. He knew better than to think that he could just come here and they would kiss and make up. Afterall, it had been many months since he'd seen her last. Still, if ever there was a reason to hope, it was there on the face of Kate Beckett.

When she became aware of his watching her she quickly shifted her eyes away and cleared her throat, feeling somewhat embarrassed that she'd been caught staring at him. She simply spoke "I'm going to go put some coffee on. Would you like some?" Without waiting for his answer she simply said "Yeah, coffee" to herself and left the room.

He slowly made his way out of Ben's room and followed her to the kitchen, where she was busying herself with the coffee maker. Once she had the drink brewing, the mugs, the cream and spoons out, and there was nothing else she could think of that needed to be done to avoid looking at him, she turned around.

"So", she spoke. "Alexis?" He took her attempt at conversation on a topic that was less intense and went with it.

"She's good. She's enjoying being a college student, loving her classes and seems to be settling in well." He spoke with a smile on his face, thinking about his daughter.

"That's good." Kate spoke. "and Martha?" Rick laughed a bit at her question, thinking about his mother.

"She's good. She's great actually. After I left she stayed at the loft awhile." He paused, not sure how Kate was going to take the next bit of information, "but when I decided that I probably wouldn't be coming back and she moved to the loft above her studio."

Kate shot her head up and met his eyes, "You…You weren't going to come back at all?" She swallowed. "What made you change your mind?" She shuttered to think that she may never have seen him again.

"Well. I was shadowing a professor and consultant and oxford," He began.

"You found another muse." She stated. No questioning in her tone.

"Well, sort of, yeah." He tried to read her expression, but she had slipped into her poker face. He continued to speak.

"She was nice, and she offered plenty of inspiration for the new character-" He stopped mid-sentence when he heard her mumble "I'll bet" to herself.

"It wasn't like that Kate." He spoke softly. "It was never like it was with you and me." Kate simply stared at him, his words giving her an odd sense of déjà vu from a similar conversation about Sophia Turner.

She simply shrugged, "Rick, it's not my business anymore." She didn't want to start another fight and although the thought of him with another woman, another _muse_, made her ill, she really had no claim to the man anymore. _Did I ever in the first place?_, she wondered sadly to herself.

He nodded somewhat sadly, disappointed at her statement, which seemed to place even more distance between them. "Still," he spoke, "she and I were never serious."

Kate tried to shift the conversation again. "So what made you leave Rick?"

"She did, well sort of."_ You_, he thought, _I couldn't stand to be away from you. I just needed a push in the right direction_. He didn't say that though, instead he said "She wanted to be more serious. I tried for awhile, to develop feelings for her, but they just weren't there." He looked Kate right in the eyes, making a point that she knew that he had not moved on, before he continued.

"In our time together I shadowed her. I saw her socially from time to time, dinners, galas and other events. I just never was able to take it further, to become serious with her." Kate turned her back to him, using her pouring the coffee as an excuse to not face him for a moment. He continued,

"The media loved to see us together, and she loved the attention." Kate rolled her eyes, secretly happy to have something to hate about the woman.

"Soon the papers were spinning tales of our romance, of our passionate love affair, and before I knew it the media announced that we were engaged." Kate turned back to face him, her eyes wide with shock over what had happened.

"She didn't seem to mind the mix up, but I did. I asked that we spend some time apart, to let the papers cool off a bit, but it backfired on me spectacularly. Soon there were stories of our break-up. They spun tales of how I had cheated, broken her heart and flaunted some mystery woman in her face. I became a target of some media hate campaign, and had done nothing to deserve it."

Kate finally spoke, "that's terrible," before asking somewhat timidly, "and this other woman?"

"Never existed." He looked into her eyes. "She never existed Kate. There was never anyone serious." She handed him his cup of coffee and proceeded across her apartment to sit on the couch. Castle took a sip and found it exactly as he liked it, smiling to himself at her memory for details, he followed her to the couch as well.

When he sat beside her, plenty of room in between, she felt a sudden flash of memory. The last time they were on this couch together seemed like a lifetime ago. She was also filled with images from that encounter, from the time that may well have resulted in the conception of the infant down the hall.

She couldn't help the blush that crept up her neck and onto her cheeks, reminiscing in the memory of the way his body felt, without a stitch of clothing and completely and deliciously pressing her down into the cushions. She could feel her body reacting to the thought of it. She'd had similar memories, similar fantasies, but none were quite as strong as this was. Afterall, he was right next to her, his smell surrounding her once again. _Oh God, I've missed that smell_, she sighed inwardly.

"What did you say?" He broke her musings. She was startled for a minute, then struck with terror, _did I just say that out loud? _"nothing." She blurted.

"Ok." He eyed her suspiciously, but let it drop.

"So." She spoke, desperate to find something to talk about. "Are you settling back into the loft nicely?"

"Actually" he began "I'm staying at the Plaza. We put the loft on the market when mom moved out." She looked to him in shock. _He'd sold his home?_

"So where are you going to live?" She asked.

"Not sure yet, but I'll start looking soon. I've only just returned to the city. The plaza is nice in the mean time." He replied.

"You can't just stay at the plaza until you find a house Rick!" Actually, she knew that he could. It wasn't as if money were an issue, but still.

He simply shrugged to her, "Kate, it's really ok. There are a lot worse places to stay, trust me." She smiled at him.

"Look Castle. Why don't you stay here for awhile, just until you get yourself acclimated. You already look like you're completely jet-lagged."

"Gee, thanks." He said, somewhat comically.

She smiled back to him. "Seriously Rick. You could stay here. The couch is comfortable, you'd have full access to the kitchen, washer and dryer, and you'd have full access to Ben." She'd played the trump card and she knew it, she had him at their son.

"Well." He stated, "the plaza has some wonderful amenities, but it doesn't have Ben." They both smiled.

"I think it would be a good opportunity for you to get to know eachother, to get acquainted." She spoke somewhat matter-of-factly.

"Yes, good opportunity to get re-acquainted too." He added. She didn't acknowledge his response, but it gave her a thrill to think about all the ways they could get re-acquainted.

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**A/N: Thanks so much for your comments and all the birthday wishes. I do want to mention a bit of my logic on this one. I don't believe that the characters would just hop right back into bed. I also don't believe a baby automatically equals happy family. There are still things to work out between them. Having them temporarily live together and co-parent, while trying to figure things out and cope with the tension of attraction that is still there provides a nice little platform, I think, for the rest of the story. I hope you continue to enjoy. :)**


	9. Chapter 9

**One Word: Insomnia. Leading to a chapter update at 2:15am. I really should be sleeping. oh well. **

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Kate Beckett lie in bed that night thinking. So much had changed in the past 24 hours. At this time last night she was just going with the motions, not sure if she would ever see Castle again. She wasn't sure if she'd ever get to tell him about Benjamin.

Now, here he was, sleeping on the couch in her living room. It was all so absurd, yet it seemed like a gigantic step in the right direction. It was a step towards what felt right to her. Still, if she were completely honest with herself she'd admit that she didn't want him out on the couch. She wanted him in her bed. She wanted to be in his arms, feeling the comfort and the warmth of his body.

She often wondered to herself over the past months alone if she would feel the same about him should she ever see him again. Afterall, it had been months since he left. More so than the time spent apart was the major life change that had come about. Kate Beckett wasn't the same person that she was when he left her. Now she was a mother, and she had her son to think about.

She would do whatever was needed to protect him, to keep him safe from harm; whether it be physical or emotional. She'd never felt such a fierce need to protect anything or anyone in her life, and that spoke volumes about the detective who regularly laid her life on the line for others.

No, this was different, Benjamin Alexander had changed everything. _Alexander_, she thought to herself_, I wonder if Castle picked up on his middle name? Did he process the fact that even though he was gone, I still named our son after him? _Sleep was not coming quickly to Kate tonight. She looked to her clock, it was nearly 2am. She expected that Ben would awaken soon, hungry and demanding his mother's touch.

She continued to lie in bed, thinking about Castle, about the words he spoke. She couldn't get past the fact that he had sold his loft. _He sold his home? He was really never going to come back?_ The thought of it caused a choke to rise in her throat, the burn of tears in her eyes. _No_, she urged herself, _he did come back and now he's here. _Still, the fact that he was prepared to move on and never look back spoke volumes to her.

He really had moved on all those months ago, _and I was stupid enough to get involved with him anyhow. My self-destructive tendencies know no bounds. _She couldn't let herself get caught up in regret though, because the result of their decision was sleeping peacefully down the hall. _Or was sleeping peacefully_, she corrected herself as she heard his cry sound on the baby monitor.

Kate Beckett padded softly and quietly down the hall and through the living room, making her way to Ben's room. The baby's door was closed so that he wouldn't wake Rick, who needed sleep desperately after the time zone jumping he'd endured on his way back to the states. Kate wasn't concerned about the closed door because the baby monitor was safely on and placed next to her.

She made her way into his room, turning the small lamp by the door on to shed some more light to the room. She lifted him and kissed his soft head, feeling his diaper she could tell that changing was necessary too. She softly laid him down on the table, unbuttoning the soft mint green onesie and laying kisses across his stomach. She quickly changed, cleaned and powdered him before securing him back in his pajamas. "Now who's a hungry baby?" She asked softly, sitting herself in her chair, adjusting her shirt and sliding her breast out of her loose v-neck top. Silently, he nursed, making slight noises as he filled himself up. She simply rocked, humming softly to him.

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Rick was awakened by cries. He sat up for a moment, trying to shake the sleep off enough to figure out the source of the feeble sounding whimpers. Whatever it was, it seemed to be calming down. Then he heard her voice, whispering softly and sweetly. She started humming something, but he couldn't make out what it was.

He silently moved towards the source of her voice, seeing a soft and dim light coming from the cracked door. Instead of entering the room, he stood in the dark hallway, not wanting to startle her. He peered in and when he saw her she took his breath away. Richard Castle was witnessing one of the most awe-inspiring moments he'd ever experienced. There, in a rocking chair and cradling their tiny infant, sat the great Katherine Beckett.

The inspiration for Nikki Heat, the kicking ass and taking names, fearsome detective Beckett who made grown men cry and criminals shake in fear, was nursing his child. The soft expression on her face as she hummed softly to Ben melted his heart. If he wasn't scared she'd shoot him, he would have taken a picture of it. Because he didn't want to risk bodily harm, nor did he want to create an awkward moment between them, he simply took one last look, committing the sight to memory, and tip toed back to the couch.

About 15 minutes later, Castle lay on the couch nestled back under the covers. He feigned sleep as he heard her quietly make her way back to bed. As she passed him she paused for a second, leaning over the couch to watch him sleep, brushing her fingers lightly through his hair before she made her leave and went back to bed.

He smiled at the small gesture she didn't know he was awake to witness. There was so much to work out between them, but Rick Castle made a silent vow to himself on that couch. If he had anything to do with it, when he finally did find a new home and move in, both she and their son would be with him. With a smile on his face he slowly drifted off to sleep.


	10. Chapter 10

When he awoke there was a light coming from the kitchen. He raised his head and noted that daylight was streaming through the blinds as well. Morning had arrived. He showered and dressed, before heading back to her.

Castle silently made his way toward the kitchen and saw her there, pacing back and forth and holding their son in her left arm, a piece of toast in her right. Coffee was brewing, but she went nowhere near the hot liquid while the infant was in her arms. She looked up to him and smiled. "Good morning."

It was so odd to have him there, in her kitchen. She loved his presence, always had, but it was so foreign and so intimate to have him there as she was engaging in such mundane, domestic activities. It sent butterflies through her stomach and set her heart beating slightly faster.

"Good morning, what time is it?" Rick asked, still blinking the sleep out of his eyes.

"It's nearly 11." She noted with an amused expression on her face, "you must have really needed the sleep." She went on to say, "I'm surprised we didn't wake you at all last night." He smiled at her.

"How many times did he wake?" He questioned.

"He was up at 11 last night, and again at 2, 5ish and then 8." He seems to be on a 3 hour schedule she said, yawning as she did. "I just got him up again, and now we're spending quality time together." She looked to Ben and spoke to him in a softer voice "yeah, we like quality time." Castle smiled at them both, before walking toward her with arms stretched out.

"Kate, could I take him? I'd love some quality time with him." She looked at him apprehensively for a moment.

"I have done this before Kate, and I'm pretty good at it." She relaxed and smiled at him.

"Yeah, I'm just not used to having help." She immediately regretted her words when his expression fell. She smiled then, hoping that he would accept that as a silent peace offering and not press the issue. Moving towards Castle, she handed the baby over to his father.

He took his son, cuddling him and bouncing lightly as he paced the kitchen, he started to speak. His words were meant for Kate, but he was speaking to Ben.

"Hello Ben, good morning. Did you keep mommy up all night? Well, guess what? Daddy is here now too and he's not going anywhere. So mommy can go and do amazing and exciting things like take a long bath or drink coffee and read the paper at the same time. Or, if mommy is feeling really adventurous she could do the one thing she wants to do more than anything! Sleep! Real exciting things, huh Ben?" Kate smiled at his words. He looked up to see her still standing there and continued,

"Or Ben, I could give you back to mommy and she could try to multi-task again. Maybe she's not tired afterall. Would that be fun for you?" Looking back at Beckett he saw a grin break as she made a mad dash for her bedroom.

He giggled at his son, who was staring at him with wide eyes, concentrating on every word that he seemed to say. He loved the way his hair stuck out in every direction. He also loved that he had Beckett's coloring. Those eyes and that nose were all him though, and that made him smile.

* * *

After a long nap, Kate re-dressed and was feeling refreshed. She walked back towards the kitchen where she found Castle sitting at the table, reading the newspaper and sipping coffee. Ben was situated comfortably in a bouncy seat next to him, cooing and waving his hands at the dangling objects hanging from the frame of the device, which was secured to the table in front of castle. The chair allowed the baby to move his arms and legs about and see around him, the soft chair supporting him upright, but provided the security to not let him fall or be injured.

Kate also noticed that there were pancakes sitting on a plate at the other side of the table. _How long was I asleep?_, she wondered. She poured herself a cup of coffee and moved to join him at the table. "Castle, is our son sitting on the kitchen table with the food?" She asked, more amused than irritated, and loving the feel of the words 'our son' on her lips.

There was no risk to the infant, as nothing was in his reach. The chair was secure and he was strapped safely in it. Still, the sight of her son sitting on the table, next to a freshly prepared breakfast was absurd.

"Yes" he said, "I thought that pancakes could be for brunch and baby for dessert!" He leaned over and blew a loud and wet kiss on the Ben's foot, awarding him a high pitched squeal from the tickled baby. Both parents laughed as Kate caressed the infant's other soft leg.

She moaned at the deliciousness of the pancakes that he'd made, having added some of the frozen blueberries she kept in stock for smoothies. "These are amazing. Thank you!" She spoke. She stood for a moment to retrieve a stack of papers from the counter and returned to her chair, a highlighter now in hand. As she sifted through the stack of papers, highlighting some while discarding others, Castle became curious.

"What are you doing Kate?" He asked her.

"I've got to get back to work Castle. My maternity leave is nearly over. Finding a nanny has been more of a challenge than I'd anticipated." She didn't look up at him as she continued her quest to find the perfect person who could be trusted with her most precious commodity. She had been guaranteed 12 weeks of maternity leave, as per the federal law, but needed to get back to work. Although she would never admit the fact to the man now sitting across from her, she couldn't afford to take any more time off. Sure her job was safe while she took time off, but her leave was not paid.

"Kate." Rick spoke, waiting for her to look up at him. "Why don't you let me stay here with him?" Her eyes widened at his offer. Sure he was back, but she wasn't exactly pinning full-time fathering responsibilities on him. She'd done just fine without him and although she was happy to have him back, she wasn't going to take over his life, no matter how badly she wanted it.

"Castle, that's sweet, but I'm not going to bog you down with the responsibility of a 2 month old every day while I'm at work." She looked back down to the papers, assuming that the conversation was over. She should have known better.

"Kate, he's my son. I want to be with him. I want to be with y-." He was about to say _you_, _I want to be with you_, but he decided against it and changed the sentence mid-way, "I want to be with you... guys…to get to know how things work so you don't have to do this alone anymore."

For a second she thought he was going to tell her that he wanted to be with her, but instead he was offering up his time and his skills in co-parenting. He was being a good friend and a supportive father, and although disappointed, she was grateful.

"Ok." She agreed. "You watch Ben, but you have to promise that we will re-discuss it if he becomes too much for you." Castle smiled at her.

"This should be interesting Kate." She looked at him quizzically, "interesting how?" she asked.

"You've been doing this all alone since he was born, since before he was born." His mood shifted suddenly and he continued, "and I would do anything to change that Kate, anything."

She was taken aback, stunned by the intensity in his eyes, "and when I get my hands on Paula…" He clenched his fists and turned his head to the side, willing the rage he was filled with. She felt the need to get them back on track.

"You said something was interesting?"

"What?" He said, shaken from his sudden thoughts, "oh yeah. I was saying that you've been in it alone, and I was alone with Alexis." She smiled sadly at him.

"It's going to be interesting for two people, who have grown accustomed to relying only on themselves with the most important job in the world, to let eachother in and share it." He looked at her then, willing her to understand that he was intentional in his use of the words "let each other in." He was referring not only to now, but to all that had happened in the past.

She simply nodded at him, moving to the kitchen to start cleaning up. He offered to do it for her, but she insisted. She told him that if he cooked, she would clean. After the dishes were dried and put away, they both proceeded to the couch, Castle lifting Ben to take him with them.

He sat on the couch and cradled the child in his left arm, while Kate grabbed a tablet of some sort. She settled next to him on the couch, handing the tablet to him and turning it on. The screen lit up to reveal the colorful keys of a piano, which Rick pressed with his finger. Each key produced both a note and an animal sound. Ben reached his little hands out and slammed them all over the screen, producing a jumbled combination of notes along with the sounds of kittens, puppies, cows and pigs.

Rick laughed as Ben played, pointing to the animals and encouraging the boy to continue. Kate giggled herself and reached to press on the cow note, "He really likes the moo. His eyes get really wide and he'll kick around. It's funny, watch." She instructed as she hit the yellow note corresponding with the cow.

Ben's head tilted back slightly against Rick's arm and his hands and feet both flailed around in excitement, a funny noise escaping his lips. Both Castle and Beckett laughed. In her attempt to reach the correct key, she leaned over him and her body slipped into the other side of him.

For awhile they sat like that, Ben in one arm and Beckett against the other, as they took turns encouraging Ben to press the keys on his own. At one point the infant grew excited and threw his little balled fists together, in a move that somewhat resembled a clap. At the sight of it both adults looked to each other and laughed.

In that moment their eyes met and their gazes held. The air between them thickened, making it harder to breathe. He leaned slightly towards her and she held her breath, unable to think straight as her heart sped up. His presence threatened to consume her, and the energy between them becoming electric as Rick's gaze moved from her eyes down to her lips. Her head leaned in of it's own accord, needing to close the distance and taste him once again. It had been such a long time and he made her entire being hum.

In a flash Ben let out a loud grunt and started to cry, and the spell was broken. She leaped away from him as if he were on fire and stood. Castle moved to stand as well, placing the toy on the couch and lifting Ben in the air. She moved to take boy from his father, "I think he may need to be changed Castle, I'll take care of it." With those words she lifted him into her arms and swiftly left the room, refusing to make eye-contact as she went.

Castle stood in the living room for a moment completely stunned by what had nearly occurred. He ran his fingers through his hair and let out a shaky breath. Whatever was between them before couldn't be denied, and in that moment Rick Castle knew that it was still very much there.


	11. Chapter 11

**Another chapter :) **

**Hey all you spoiler lovers. Go to Ausiello's twitter page and check out the only tweet question he's Favorited this year about the blind item. Ha! Could be meaningless, or not!**

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She stepped out of her room, back in her jeans and her heels, feeling empowered by the stature she had again. She'd been really good at doing yoga and Pilates on her own while Ben was asleep, and was on her way back to her figure. She wasn't there yet, but she was on her way. When she entered the living room she was met with the smell of coffee and hot breakfast. Castle had risen early to see her off to work correctly and it made her smile.

One of the first things he'd done after gathering his things and checking out of the hotel was to go grocery shopping. Most of his things were in storage and he would have to get a few more necessities along the way, but groceries were essential with Kate's fridge.

Kate smiled at him, grabbing some breakfast and sipping her ready-made coffee. He came up beside her and set a travel mug, filled and ready to go for her. "I could get used to this treatment Castle. You'd better be careful or I'll come to expect it." She warned him.

"I'm betting on it." He smiled at her and stated, with a little too much sincerity in his voice for her comfort. She simply shifted her eyes down, cleared her throat somewhat uncomfortably and moved past him towards Ben's room.

She stepped in to find her infant son awake, staring around him. She leaned over and lifted him from the crib, inhaling his sweet baby scent as if she could bottle it and take it to work with her. She carried him back to the living room, allowing Castle to see them both.

"Look who's awake." She spoke to him.

"Yeah right, you just woke him up because you wanted to say goodbye." He teased her.

"Did not" she answered, a mild offense in her voice, but not enough to be taken seriously.

She moved to lay him down in the playpen next to the couch, "I have him out here when he's awake, let him take in the activity and keep him close to me." She spoke without looking up from the boy.

"There are plenty of diapers in his room, where I showed you." He nodded to her.

"and sometimes he goes through several outfits because he'll spit up when you burp him." Castle smiled and replied, "most babies do that Kate." She eyed him wearily.

"There are bottles in the fridge that I've already prepared and that should last him for the day." He nodded again to her.

"and be sure that you hold his head just so" she motioned the angle with her hand, "and make sure he takes breaks and that he doesn't take too much air in when he drinks, he does that sometimes."

"Kate," Castle softly spoke, "I've got this. We will be fine. I promise that I will call you if there is a problem." She let out a nervous breath and nodded, turning back and looking to the soft pen she'd just set Ben in. She stared at him for a moment, both hands resting on the side of the structure that held him.

Rick came up to her then, resting his palm on her back. He began to rub soothing circles, placing his hand next to Kate's on Ben's playpen. "I know this is hard for you, leaving him for the first time." Her eyes tearing up just a bit, she simply exhaled. He gently turned his hand palm up and laced his pinky with hers.

She looked down at their hands, wanting to turn into his arms. The sensations pulled her back to their near-encounter on the couch late the week before, and although nothing had been said or done since then, a think tension hung in the air around them. His presence constantly had her body on edge and she didn't know how long she would be able to hold out with them in such close quarters. If his behavior on the couch was any indicator, he was struggling with the same things.

Kate resolved to herself that she wouldn't give in to the sexual tension between them. There needed to be something more and she resolved that she was going to put on her big-girl pants and have an adult conversation about it. She just had to bring herself to do it.

She pushed thoughts of them aside and softly moved her hand from his. Leaning in one last time she caressed Ben's head, pressed a kiss there, and walked to the door. Before leaving she turned to him one last time.

"Call me if anything, ANYTHING, happens."

He nodded once again and she was out the door.

Castle smiled and went over to his son, lifting Ben from the pen. "Hello little man. You and I are going to have a fantastic day and I'm going to teach you all of the secrets of being a Castle man." He whispered somewhat deviously into the child's ear before placing a kiss on his head.

It had been a long day for Kate. Being away from Ben made it longer. When she arrived she was greeted with a load of paperwork, which made her cringe. Luckily, the boys had a case and she was able to distract herself for awhile as they tried to put the pieces together. She stood at the murder board and contemplated the victims, trying to figure out a tie that the boys might have missed. Unfortunately, nothing popped.

"Yo, Beckett. Lanie says she's got something for us, you want to come?" Esposito yelled to her from his desk, phone cradled in her hand. She cringed a bit internally, unsure if she was ready to see Lanie. She'd thought long and hard about the information she'd received from Castle. On one hand, she wanted to be furious with Lanie, for sending Castle away. She wanted to scream at her and blame her for enduring the past months alone. However, she knew better than that.

Castle being gone was not Lanie's doing. She may have spoken to him out of anger, and she may have told him to stay away, but she was pretty sure that at no point in the conversation did Lanie say, "Hey Castle, you should leave the country and never see her again." No, this wasn't Lanie's doing.

Still, they needed to talk about it. She wasn't angry that Lanie had tried to protect her, but she was angry that she spent months watching Kate struggle with being alone, with wondering why he'd gone so far, and had said nothing about their conversation. That needed to be addressed.

She followed the boys down to the morgue where Lanie greeted them, explaining that similar substances had been found in both victims' bloodstreams. Finally, they had a connection. They boys took the information and ran with it while Kate stayed behind.

"So. How is life away from Ben?" Lanie asked.

"It's hard, but I knew it would be." Lanie nodded at Kate's words.

"I heard that you had an interesting visitor last week." Kate nodded, but didn't say anything.

"So what happened? Is Castle back in the picture?" Kate took a breath and then spoke.

"He's at home with Ben now. After he left he sold the Loft, so he's staying with me while he looks for another place." Lanie raised her eyebrows at Kate, surprised by the latest development in their story.

"What did Castle have to say for himself?" Lanie asked.

"Well. He didn't know. Paula never told him I called, never told him about the baby." Lanie didn't look surprised.

"He also said that he left because he thought it was best for me. He told me about a little conversation that the two of you had actually." Kate couldn't keep the edge out of her voice, but she tried to keep her emotions in check.

"Kate, Listen…" Lanie began to speak, but Kate interrupted.

"How could you not tell me Lanie? You watched me for months and you never said anything." She looked at her friend, more hurt and confused than angry.

"Kate, when I talked to Castle you were really messed up. He'd said those things to you, said you were just a piece of ass to him and I saw red. I'm sorry girl, but I was just trying to look out for you." Kate simply stood there, waiting for her to continue.

"Kate I swear that I didn't know you were pregnant. I never would have said what I did had I known. By the time we found out I even tried to call him back, but his phone was already disconnected. Kate I'm so sorry."

Beckett looked at her friend, and softly spoke. "I know you didn't mean for this to happen, and I know that you were trying to protect me and I love you for that." Lanie smiled, relief washing over her features.

"But I don't like that you didn't tell me about it. Look Lanie, no more secrets. They've caused enough devastation in my life and I'm as much to blame as anyone else, but no more." She looked sternly at her best friend before cracking a soft smile.

She felt better after having talked with Lanie. They'd gone to lunch later that day, where Kate caught her up on all the details of Castle's arrival. She filled her best friend in on how wonderful he was with Ben and how much she still felt for him. She also told her about the doubts that she had, considering that he'd sold the loft and that she wasn't convinced that he wanted anything more than sex.

Lanie advised her to do what she always advised her to do, talk to him. Well, she advised her to talk to him and then do the nasty in an assorted variety of positions. Kate smiled and rolled her eyes, afterall she wasn't objectionable to ether suggestion.

When she walked through the door that evening she was exhausted. Before her life had changed, Kate would usually come home, order take-out, read a book and take a bath before going to bed. Now things were different, now she had an infant to come home to, and the father living under the same roof as them.

This was made quite apparent when she stepped into her apartment and inhaled the savory scent of bacon, eggs and onions. She didn't know what he was making, but boy did it smell great. With a smile on her face she found him in the kitchen, Ben once again on the table in his bouncy chair watching his father work (or slobbering on his own hands to be more accurate). "Something smells delicious," she happily commented as she dropped her keys on the counter and headed straight for the boy she'd wanted in her arms all day.

"Hello my love." Kate spoke to Ben as she lifted him.

"Did you have a good day?" She relished in the feel of his tiny body in her arms, satisfying the craving within her.

Castle spoke up then, "We had a great day!" Earning himself a grin from Beckett.

"We went shopping." He elaborated, walking out of the kitchen to squeeze the baby's feet. "First we picked up a few essentials for daddy." Kate smiled, butterflies returning to her stomach.

"Then we got some things from storage, and then we got some clothes and toys for the little big man!" He said in a sing song voice, kissing Ben on the exposed area of stomach between Kate's arms. She playfully shoved his head back before speaking,

"Castle, he has plenty of clothing and more than enough toys." He simply nodded before defending his actions.

"I know, but clothing is always useful considering how many outfits we go through a day, and some of them are sizes for him to grow into." He then added, "and you always need more toys, don't you Ben?"

Beckett rolled her eyes, "He's wearing one of those spiffy new outfits now Kate." He pointed out.

She held her son out and saw a onesie he was wearing, accompanied with a cuffed pair of denim jeans that looked more expensive than the pair she was wearing. On the onesie was simple print, **My Parents Are Exhausted.**

She couldn't help but laugh at the outfit. "I'm glad you like it Kate, because there is more where that came from. He proceeded to show her several outfits, all cute and quite expensive, an adorable bathrobe that looked like a fluffy chicken, and numerous onesies. He grinned deviously as Kate came across the last outfits, both covered with print like the one Ben currently sported. One stated: **Tough Guys Wear Cloth**, and the other, much to Beckett's Chagrin, stated: **Got Breastmilk? **

"Really Castle? Really?" She stared him down, trying desperately not to laugh.

"What?" He innocently stated, as if the shirt had some sort of legitimate question. Kate simply rolled her eyes as response.

"Dinner is ready, just took it off the stove. Why don't you go change and it will be ready when you come out?" She smiled appreciatively. "Rick, you really didn't have to do that."

"It's the least I could do. Afterall, you're letting me stay here. I can at least help out." He smiled to her, lifting Ben from her arms and motioning for her to go settle in.

When she came back into the living room she was dressed in an oversized v-neck shirt and a pair of yoga pants. Her hair was down and she felt more relaxed than she had all day. She knew Castle would be fine with Ben, but it was reassuring that nothing horrible had happened.

"Pasta carbonara for you," he said, placing a plate at the table. He also laid out a salad and garlic bread, complete with sparkling cider. He'd been considerate enough to avoid the wine as Beckett was breastfeeding. They hadn't had any more encounters while she was feeding him, but she'd had to pump several times to be sure there was an adequate supply for Ben while she was gone. Sometimes she did it just to alleviate pressure too. They made small talk while they ate, Kate telling Rick about the case they were working and about her conversation with Lanie.

He was relieved that they were able to work things out, as he did not want to be the reason for the best friends to fall out. She listened as he recounted the details of Rick and Ben's day, impressed by how much Rick had done to help out. He'd cleaned up, caught up on laundry and had added several of his necessities to the home.

Kate made room in her closet for his clothing so that he wouldn't have to live out of a suitcase, and Rick picked up a pillow-top mattress pad to make the fold out couch more comfortable. He'd resorted to sleeping on the couch cushions because of the thin mattress, but it was killing his back. So, he'd gotten some padding and a set of sheets to make things more comfortable. He'd also picked up a lap desk work station, so that he could write from multiple locations to be near Ben. Finally, he'd picked up a few toiletries and stocked them in her bathroom.

_Wow_, Kate thought to herself, _we're actually living together_. She was surprised at how good it felt, how natural it felt, and how calm she was about the whole thing.

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**So, what did you think? I really think that she would have handled Lanie somewhat like this. Hurt, but you can't really ream out someone for trying to protect you...just my opinion though...I have not forgotten about Paula, but there are a few more plot twists to throw in before that one is dealt with. **


	12. Chapter 12

**This is by far the most difficult thing I've ever written. I want to go hide in a closet and bury my head in shame. It's the most detail I've ever used with well, get to the end and you'll understand.**

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Weeks passed, turning into months. Rick didn't seem eager to find other living arrangements because he enjoyed helping out with Ben, and he loved being near him. Kate didn't seem eager to have him leave, they seemed to strike a balance and were co-parenting successfully. To an outsider, they looked like a happy family, and even though they knew better, both Castle and Beckett were having trouble keeping the lines they'd drawn from blurring.

There were awkward moments. For instance, on a Saturday morning Kate smacked right into a towel-clad Rick's bare chest as he walked to her room to gather some clean clothing after his shower. She automatically grabbed both of his arms to steady herself and found that it was difficult to let go. They stood for a moment, transfixed, while she enjoyed the feel of his warm and strong arms. Her thoughts were broken by Rick who simply said "uh…Kate? It's kind of cold out here." Snapping her out of her daze and causing her to quickly move away from him.

On another occasion they'd watched a movie together and Kate fell asleep, inadvertently leaning to Rick and using him as her pillow. He watched her, admiring the relaxed expression on her face and the way her long eyelashes rested on her cheeks as she slept.

He found himself unable to resist the urge to lean down and inhale her scent. He found the familiar combination of cherries, spices and Kate, making him groan. She responded to the noise and snuggled further into him, letting out a contented sigh. She was so innocent and peaceful when she slept, but her effect was anything but innocent and resulted in a raging arousal for Rick.

He moved away from her slowly, letting her lay down without waking her. He needed to get to the bathroom and take care of things. He was afraid that she would wake and see his obvious desire for her, making things even more awkward. He found that he made the right decision when a few minutes later Ben let out a cry, waking his mother. Luckily, he was situated within the privacy of the bathroom before that happened.

Castle also continued to care for Ben in the daytime while Beckett worked, having a meal on the table and a clean and happy baby (most of the time), for her when she returned. She found herself startled and somewhat scared that he'd managed to ingrain himself into her life again, but now in such a personal and intimate way.

All of the basic elements of their relationship were still there, she would tease him relentlessly and he would seek his revenge. On one occasion, his revenge came through texts. While at work she'd texted him:

**KB: How is he? Did I miss anything?**

**RC: He's great! Don't worry. **

**KB: I didn't ask if I needed to worry. I asked if I missed anything?**

**RC: OMG Kate! He just spoke his first word! He said Dada!**

**RC: OMG, now he said rhinoceros! **

**RC: KATE! Unbelievable! He just stood up and now he's walking! OMG! Now he's doing a Paso Doble! Our son is amazing! **

**KB: Bite me. **

**RC: gladly. **

Teasing wasn't the only relationship trait that they kept. They also seemed to have difficulty communicating, as neither of them brought up their fight or their breakup, or any of the issues they'd had before. The tension continued to rise, as they tip-toed around eachother, granting fleeting glances and soft touches.

He'd be sure to stand closer than necessary to her, crowding her back. She would allow him to catch her while wearing skimpy nightgowns or revealing tank tops, relishing in the fact that he still wanted her. They were playing with fire and they were going to get burned, but neither of them could walk away. The magnetism that existed before was amplified while they existed under the same roof.

Finally, one of them broke. It was a Tuesday night and Ben, who was nearly 4 months old, awakened crying. The child was sleeping through the night more and more, but waking was still not abnormal. Still, given that they knew many babies didn't start sleeping through the night until they are 8 months or older, they considered themselves lucky.

They had started leaving Ben's door open so that Rick could share some of the responsibility for getting him at night, affording Kate more time to sleep. That evening Rick had risen to respond to their son's cries. The boy needed a diaper change and Castle quickly did so, soothing the boy back to sleep against his bare chest.

Kate had awakened, but was groggy and unaware that Rick had taken care of things. She walked to Ben's room and found him in there, cradling the boy, his tiny body secured against his bare chest and his head resting in the crook of his neck. Something about the sight awakened a need in Kate that she couldn't describe. She was immediately filled with arousal, but also felt an urge that she could only describe as animalistic. She stood in the doorway, running her hands down her sides and over her own chest. Within seconds she was fully aroused and ready for the man. Slowly and quietly she approached him.

Rick didn't hear Kate approach. He leaned over to place Ben back in the crib and was alerted to her presence by the feel of her fingers, starting at his hips and slowly caressing their way up his sides. He raised himself to stand straight, feeling her step in closer to him, pressing herself against his back fully.

She was transfixed by the plains of his body, cast in shadows of their son's room, lit only by a nightlight that had been placed there. The need to touch him grew and she found that she was unable to deny herself more of him.

Her hands snaked around to his torso, lightly scratching up and down again. He was instantly hard, every effort in his body devoted to controlling his breathing at the feel of her hot body pressed against his back. He let out a groan when he felt the wetness of her mouth on his back, tongue and teeth nipping across his shoulder blades as she tasted his salty skin.

Her hands took on a life of their own, one sliding up to rest on his rapidly beating heart and the other snaking lower, lower. He finally snapped as she moved to slide her wicked hand below the waistband of his pants.

In a flash he was on her, lips desperately seeking hers while pushing her back and out of Ben's room. He finally stopped when they could move no further, when she was against the wall in the hallway. He was on her neck, hot and hungry kisses lining up to her jaw and back down to her collarbone. His kisses were wet, as he couldn't get enough of her taste. She hooked a leg around his waist and arched her pelvis into his, feeling completely out of control and needing to be closer to him, needing all of him. He took her movements and stepped up their intensity, grabbing her behind firmly and squeezing her while lifting her up into his erection.

He groaned loudly into the crook of her neck, his hands finally moving to grasp the thin and silky spaghetti-strapped nightie she was wearing. His knees bent as he slid his hands up, taking the material with them and exposing the skin of her stomach. He slid down her, placing kisses down her stomach and onto her abdomen. Kate quickly lifted the night gown over her head and discarded it on the floor, before running her fingers through Rick's hair and grasping, her voice caught in her throat, as he pushed her panties to the side and reached the spot she needed him most.

Rick wasn't thinking, he had no thoughts in his mind other than to taste her in that moment. She let out a urgent moan when his tongue made contact with her over-sensitized center. She thrust her hips toward him out of reflex, prompting him to move his hands to her hips and firmly hold her still. He was beginning to drive her insane with need, as her fingers ran through his scalp and grabbed tightly into his hair. Finally, her knees buckled and her legs gave out, giving him greater access to the spot he wanted as she sank further into him.

Caught somewhere between torture and ecstasy, she threw her head back against the wall, gasping "Castle. Fuck." When she knew she dangerously close to the edge, she willed her leg to bend upward, momentarily giving him a different and deeper angle and nearly undoing her, she placed her foot on his shoulder and pushed him away from her.

He complied with her urges and let go of her, sliding back up her body to hold her upright and place kisses on her mouth once again. The taste of her on his lips sent another thrill through her body as she jumped onto him, wrapping both arms and legs around his torso. "Bed, Castle. Bed. Now."

When they reached her bed he laid her on it, sliding down her panties and leaving her completely naked beneath him. They simply gazed at eachother for a moment, the mood shifting from rushed and desperate to something else altogether; to something foreign to both of them. She leaned to her bedside drawer, pulled out a condom and passed it to him. They both smiled knowingly for a moment as he removed his pajama bottoms and applied the contraceptive.

In the next second and settled himself over her, using his knee to part her thighs and prompting her to hook one leg around his backside. He slowly began to ease into her, relishing in the feel of her as she accommodated to his size. Within seconds both were utterly lost to all else but each other, once again caught up in the feel of their union. He moved slowly and deeply within her, arms cradling her tenderly as he laid kisses across her breasts, planting one softly on her scar.

She closed her eyes and sighed at the feel of him lovingly touching the wounded tissue. He interpreted that as encouragement and kissed it once again, twirling his tongue around it. He laid his head there for a moment, inhaling her scent and finally allowing himself the opportunity to heal, to let himself feel the terror of nearly losing her, and feel the proof that she'd been strong enough to survive and return to him. Finally, he allowed his emotions in, as her chest rose and fell and her heart beat steadily beneath him.

In that moment she understood what he was doing and instead of feeling panic or discomfort by the intimacy, as she once did, she felt an ache for him. She ran her fingers through his hair and softly caressed his brow. They lay like that for a moment, giving and receiving comfort.

He slowly shifted his head to begin placing kisses against her breasts again, his lips landing softly yet firmly on her nipple. She gasped at the feel of it and he began to move slowly within her once again. Then he was moving again, continuing his journey up her neck and across her jaw, laying kisses in his wake. She wrapped both of her legs around his, twisting them together somewhat like a human pretzel to bring their bodies into even closer contact and to drive him even deeper inside of her. She gently caressed his back with one hand and ruffled her fingers through his hair with the other.

He raised his head and they locked eyes. For a few moments they just took eachother in, communicating all of the unspoken words between them. He raised his hand up to cup her cheek, softly caressing it with his fingers as he leaned down to kiss her lips once more. They moved together at a languid pace, filling the room with drawn out moans and contented sighs.

Soon their pace sped up, getting lost in the pleasure they gave each other. Her soft caresses quickened and became more forceful, as he pumped into her harder. Her moans became louder as she raised her legs from his shins to hook them around his waist. As he pushed her further and further, the delicious tension in her abdomen began to coil, her hands grasping his hair and scratching into his back. Finally, moans became screams as he sent her over the edge by reaching between them and stroking her most sensitive spot.

Not long after he was following her lead, the clenching of her body sending him into a tail-spin. He gained speed and lost rhythm, sweat dripping from his brow as he buried his head into her shoulder and pushed his body in an upward thrust, trying to bury himself even deeper than they thought possible.

With the new depth of his penetration she began to build yet again, her head back on the pillow and her eyes wide open with the sensations he was causing within her. "Come with me Kate."

He pleaded with her breathlessly, "I want us to fall together." She nodded and moaned her assent, unable to form coherent words. Within a few thrusts they both reached their peaks, landing in an open-mouthed kiss to drown out their screams as they finally went over the edge together. He collapsed onto her, unable to hold himself any longer, and she simply allowed the aftershocks course through her completely limp body.

There were very few things that Kate Beckett was sure of in her life. She was sure that her purpose was to bring justice to others, she was sure that she would never completely move passed the death of her mother, she was sure that Benjamin was her single greatest achievement, and in that moment, for the first time, Kate Beckett was sure that she finally understood the difference between having sex and making love.

She was also sure that she could never go back to just having sex again.

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**Be kind. It's new to me. **


	13. Chapter 13

**Greetings and happy Saturday. Here is the next chapter. As I am envisioning it, and unless something changes, there are just two chapters left. I love that so many of you seem to be just one step ahead of me on the story. For example, the addition of Martha and Alexis. The scene below was envisioned to include Martha, so I have been waiting for her. Alexis was necessary to wait as she is directly involved with prompting a major conversation between the two. You shall see more on that next chapter. Thanks for reading and reviewing. Enjoy!**

**Oh, it's been awhile, so in case anyone was wondering: **

**Disclaimer: I haven't acquired the rights to any of these characters since the last disclaimer earlier this week. It was the only thing I wanted for my birthday, but no such luck ;)**

**Finally, this chapter is dedicated to LinNicole, and all of you reviewers who have been waiting patiently for this part...**

* * *

Kate's alarm sounded, jolting her out of a lovely dream. She groaned inwardly, not wanting the day to begin yet. As she stretched her arms out and arched her back her arm brushed against the bare chest of the man beside her, who was also trying to wake up. In all the times they'd been together before they had never woken in eachother's arms and it was a sensation that she could get used to.

His groggy voice spoke softly next to her, "I can't believe Ben let us sleep until the alarm went off," clearly impressed with their son's sleeping skills. She smiled at him and nodded her agreement, sliding her palm across his chest. He looked down at her and smiled.

"Good morning Kate." She smiled somewhat shyly in return. "good morning Rick."

She rolled onto her stomach and leaned up into his body, placing a kiss on his lips.

"I think I could get used to waking up like this." He contentedly stated.

"So could I, but no time to enjoy it, I've got to get to work." She sat up and moved to leave the bed, only to be stopped by his arms encircling her waist. "But I'm not ready to let you go yet," he whined while placing kisses lightly on her neck. She wiggled herself and giggled in response to the ticklish sensation that the kisses were leaving on her neck.

"Oh my goodness!" Rick stated in shock, a mock seriousness on his face. "Did the great Katherine Beckett just giggle?" The smile fell from her face suddenly and she glared at him, a smile still twinkling in her eyes.

"shut it Castle." She pushed his face away from her with the palm of her hand and jumped out of his arms.

By the time Kate emerged from the bedroom, showered and dressed, Rick was walking around the living room with Ben attached to him, sitting in a light blue carrier that was strapped across Castle's shoulders and waist. He'd laid some waffles out in a napkin for Kate to take with her, as well as fresh coffee in her travel mug, and was currently pacing back and forth to appease the boy while talking on the phone. Kate gleaned through the pieces of the conversation she heard that he was on the phone with Alexis.

"Yes sweetie. Of course I'm excited to see you. She's excited to see you too. No sweetie, I haven't yet, but I promise I will. Ok pumpkin, bye."

Kate knew that Alexis was coming home to visit at the end of her semester, which was wrapping up. She'd wondered about where the girl was going to stay, given that he was staying at her place. She'd offered to let her join them, but he hadn't responded one way or another.

When he first told Alexis about her brother she went ballistic, in utter disbelief that he could exist and her father not know it. Kate hadn't spoken directly with the girl, but Rick had explained everything to her and evidently she was better with it now. It didn't stop Kate from being terrified to encounter the girl for the first time since before things fell apart.

As Rick set his cell phone down Kate approached the men in her life and laid a kiss on her son's warm cheek.

"I need to head out now Castle." She spoke with a hint of shyness in her voice. "I was hoping that maybe we could spend some time talking tonight when I get home?" She smiled at him hopefully.

"Yeah," Castle agreed. "I'll have dinner ready and we can talk." The grin on her face grew as she headed past him to the door. As she opened it to leave he stopped her, his hand gently placed on her wrist. She turned to him curiously and he laid a soft kiss on her lips. With a smile he simply said,

"Have a good day Kate." She simply looked at him for a moment and took in the smile on his face and their precious son securely fastened to his torso. She smiled back at him and nodded, a giddy feeling filling her completely.

As she left her apartment she couldn't deny the joy that filled her. It felt like they were actually a family and that there was a hope for a happy ending afterall.

* * *

Rick entered the restaurant around 1pm, looking around for his mother who was to join him. He spotted her at a table, chatting with the waiter and sipping a glass of wine. As he stepped closer she stood, her hands clasped together as she spoke, "Hello Richard, and hello little darling." She spoke to Ben, squeezing his little foot lightly with her fingers. The baby let out a squeal of approval as she ran her fingers across his soft cheeks and tickled them softly.

To say that Martha Rodgers had been surprised would have been an understatement. He hadn't even told her over the phone that Ben existed. Instead, he met her at a restaurant very much like this one and placed the infant in her arms. She looked down at him and smiled, having always been fond of babies, "Oh Richard, he's precious. Who does he belong to?"

Upon hearing the story, she sighed sadly, upset that her son had missed out on so much. She was disappointed in the way they'd ended things and suspected that they'd finally given in to their desire for eachother. The proof of that suspicion lay in her arms.

She never suspected that something like this would have happened. She wanted to scold them both, Rick for simply giving up and walking away too soon, and Kate for not being more upfront with her emotions. Regardless, they seemed to be working things out together and now she had another precious grandbaby to spoil.

Castle and Martha both sat, Rick had to shift himself a bit to allow for Ben to fit comfortably with him at the table. Although he could hold his head up on his own, they didn't trust high chairs that didn't have full support yet. Restaurants simply didn't have high chairs that suited this need. He ordered a drink for himself and set Ben's diaper bag down in next to him. They began to talk about his search for a new home, which had been quite successful. He'd found a two story townhouse that was in a very good neighborhood and closer to the precinct than ether Kate or the loft had been located.

"It's lovely mother. There are 3 bedrooms upstairs and a fourth room on the ground floor. We can have a room for Ben, and a room for Alexis when she comes home. I want to use the room downstairs as my office. The kitchen is spacious, as are the living room and dining room." He was clearly excited about the home that he'd signed the papers for earlier that week. "The best part is that there is a backyard, fenced in and big enough for a swing set, or a jungle gym, or a dog!" The excitement danced in his eyes.

He knew that he would have to use a gate to keep Ben away from the stairs for his own safety. The boy couldn't walk yet, or crawl for that matter. He was just starting to get the hang of rolling over, reaching for his toys and holding his head up to watch the world around him from on his stomach. He knew how quickly the time passed though, and soon enough the boy would be mobile. He smiled at the thought of it, of he and Kate chasing the boy around once he realized he could walk and run from them.

"Richard, that's wonderful! What does Kate think of it?" He looked up at his mother.

"Well. I haven't told her yet." He wasn't able to finish the sentence, as his mother interjected to give him a piece of her mind.

"Richard. When are the two of you going to learn to talk? This keeping things from eachother has_ got_ to stop." He nodded to her.

"I know mother. I wanted to be sure that I was going to get the place, to be sure that my offer would be accepted and the paperwork would go through first." He began to explain.

"I wanted her to see it, to be able to envision what I did for the place, before she reacted." He paused before admitting, "Mother when I move I want her to come with me." His mom smiled softly,

"Do you think that you're ready for that, that _she's _ready for that?" She questioned him.

"I know I'm ready. We've been dancing around this thing between us for such a long time, way before Ben came along. Now that he's here I just can't afford to mess it up again. Mom, I'm going to marry her." He looked at her resolutely.

His mom smiled, her eyes a bit glassy with emotion as she watched he son. He had finally gotten it right this time.

"So what are you going to do about it Richard?"

"I'm going to talk with her. I'm going to tell her everything tonight. Then I'm going to take her to see the new place, convince her somehow that we can be a family. I'm going to find a way to show her that she doesn't need to be scared to jump into things we me, and that we jumped in a long time ago." She nodded at him with a smile on her face. Hopefully this time would be the right time and they would work things out.

His food arrived and he took bites slowly, Ben reaching out to grasp at whatever was in his father's hand. Both adults laughed at his antics, especially considering the child had yet to be introduced to solid foods.

"Richard Castle!" The high-pitched and somewhat nasal voice sounded behind him.

"It looks like you finally made it back to the states. I'm surprised I never got a call. Don't you talk to your agent anymore?" At her voice he set his fork down, somewhat forcefully.

Martha eyed her son, quietly adding "control yourself Richard." She was fully aware of the role Paula played in keeping Richard away from Kate, and from their son. He set his napkin down, taking a deep breath and standing while trying to control the rage that was already building inside of him at the sound of her voice.

When Castle turned around he was somewhat pleased at his good fortune. There, next to Paula, was the CEO of Black Pawn. The two were having lunch to discuss potential clients that Paula had recently signed. A tight smile spread across his face, his temper was reigned in and he was ready to strike.

"Hello Paula. Hello Clark." He spoke to both parties with a cold, but polite tone.

They both smiled, somewhat taken aback when he turned around and they saw an infant strapped to his torso.

"Paula, I'm so glad I ran into you. I'm so very sorry for not contacting you sooner, but you see, I've been a little bit caught up with life." He refused to break eye contact with the woman, who seemed suddenly uncomfortable at the sight of the baby.

"Please," he stepped closer to them both, "allow me to introduce you to Benjamin." He wouldn't break eye-contact and with every word he spoke and every step closer he took Paula's eyes grew wider.

"Paula, Clark. This is my son." His words were forceful, his tone fierce.

Clark stepped forward and clasped his hand on Rick's arm. "Rick! How wonderful! I didn't know you were expecting another child! Congratulations, he's very handsome. How old is he?" Clark asked somewhat happily, completely unaware of the stare-off occurring between the other parties involved in the conversation. Martha, who had the foresight to request the bill when the other party appeared, paid and stepped next to her son, remaining silent.

Rick answered Clark's question, "He's 4 months old." Clark smiled before speaking, "I'm a family man myself! I've got a grandson a little older than him. My wife and I just love to spoil him! There's nothing more important than family." Castle shifted his gaze to land on Clark for the first time,

"I agree, there is nothing more important than family." Then he shifted back to Paula once again and continued, "Which is why I was so surprised and devastated to learn that I had missed out on so much." Paula looked positively terrified.

He once again turned to Clark, "You See Clark, his mother and I had a terrible falling out, and I left town to be closer to my oldest daughter Alexis, you've met her before." Clark nodded and smiled, although somewhat confused and upset by Rick's words.

"I was with Alexis and Ben's mom tried to contact me, through my agent, to tell me that she was expecting. She knew me well enough to know that I would do anything to be involved, she knows me well enough to know that fatherhood is the most important role I play."

He paused, speaking directly to Paula next, venom in his voice, "Unfortunately, I never got the messages, it would seem that _my agent_ deemed it unnecessary to inform me that I was having a child." Clark's face fell in shock and anger, turning to look at Paula before speaking, "She did _what_?"

With all faces turned towards her she began to speak, "Look, Rick, I didn't know. I thought that she was just…I didn't believe that-" He interrupted her.

"I don't give a damn what you did or did not believe. YOU kept **MY SON** from me. You no longer work for me Paula." Finally, he turned to Clark, "and I'm prepared to sever my ties with Black Pawn should you all continue to work with her, or any of her clients." Clark raised his eyebrows at Rick before he continued, "afterall, as you said Clark, family is the most important thing."

He nodded to him once more before speaking one last time, "good to see you Clark." He stepped past them to walk away before hearing the man speak, a somewhat panicked tone in his voice, "It was good to see you too Richard, how about we meet soon to discuss your future with us. We'd hate to lose you Rick." He smiled to himself as he simply replied, "we'll get something on the calendar" and walked out. She'd interfered with his family and as a result, he'd black-listed her in her own industry.

Martha spoke to him as they walked down the sidewalk, "You know she'll never work in this town again, Richard." He nodded and continued, unaware of the smile spreading on Martha's face, she leaned in, caressed Ben's head softly and spoke, "Never mess with the Rodgers men." The pride in her voice couldn't be missed. Ben simply let out another happy squeal.

* * *

**Next Chapter: Lots of talking, lots of drama and lots of sweetness...**


	14. Chapter 14

**Here lies a lot of drama, a lot of angst, and a bit of fluff too.**

* * *

He wanted to be sure that everything was perfect. Benjamin was in his crib asleep. It didn't take long to put him down, as he seemed to be extremely tired by the time he was bathed, dressed and ready for bed. He was preparing Italian for dinner, which she always loved, and had the wine chilling. The table was set, the apartment was clean and music was playing softly. Rick Castle had worked hard that afternoon to be sure things were perfect.

When Kate arrived home, relieved to be finished with her day, she was greeted by the delicious smell of dinner waiting for her. She smiled, walking to the kitchen to greet the man who had worked so hard to be sure she was taken care of after her long day.

"Hello." She spoke as she stepped up to him. He met her half way and brought his hands to rest on her elbows, her arms bent and her hands coming to rest on his waist. They maintained a comfortable space between them, but he leaned in slightly to brush a shy kiss against her lips.

"How was your day?" He asked softly.

"Long, but we caught the guy." She informed him happily.

He smiled a little wider at her, laying a kiss on her forehead. "I'm happy you're home." She lit up inside, _I'm home_, she thought. She'd lived in that apartment since her old one was bombed, but this was the first time it felt like _home_. She knew it had nothing to do with the building and everything to do with the people in it. She lifted slightly onto her toes and placed a kiss on his cheek, caressing his jaw with her hand.

"I'm going to go get changed." She informed him before leaving him momentarily. Tonight was going to be a milestone in their relationship, they were going to move past the subtexts and she was going to finally tell him everything. She was going to let him know how hopelessly in love with him she was. She smiled with the thought of it, a confidence filling her as she continued to think about it. She was surer than ever that his feelings were mutual. Last night they made love. When they had sex they never made eye contact for more than a few seconds, but when they were together this time they couldn't keep their eyes off eachother. It was _love_ and she finally felt sure.

When she re-entered the main room she was wearing her favorite yoga pants and a well-fitting sleeveless top. Her hair was pinned back messily and he noted that she looked completely relaxed, adorably casual. He wanted to see her like this every day when she came home. He wanted her to come home after a stressful day and land in his arms. If all want according to plan, that is exactly how things would end tonight.

They sat at the table, enjoying the comfortable companionship and the warmth of each-other's conversation. When they moved on to dessert Castle decided that it was time to take the leap. With a deep breath, he began.

"Kate." She smiled at him.

"Rick, I've got something I've been meaning to tell you, and I think it could change everything-"

"Wait, Kate. Let me speak first, ok?" He pleaded with her. She nodded and waited for him to speak, a small smile was on her face.

"I found a house Kate." She simply stared at him for a moment. Her mind raced to absorb his words. He'd continued his search for a place without telling her. All this time she was allowing herself to fall in love with him again, more and more each day, and he was still focused on getting a place of his own_. Of course_, she thought to herself. I should have known better, _I shouldn't have let myself make this mistake again. Why am I so damn stupid? _She hated herself in that moment. Without meeting his gaze she simply spoke,

"Ben and I been cramping your style Castle?" He shook his head.

"What? No! Kate, you've got to listen to me this time. You've got to let me explain." She quickly stood, she couldn't yell or even be angry with him. She'd allowed him in again and fell in love and it was nobody's fault but her own. She could feel her emotions getting the better of her and she just wanted to escape. She stood rapidly and turned from him, tears already beginning to slip down her face.

Shakily and somewhat brokenly she spoke, "I'd better go check on Ben." She walked away from him.

Castle stood. _No._ He thought to himself, n_ot this time_. _This time we finish this, you don't run._ He was resolute, "Kate. Please come back here. We need to talk about this, I think you're misunderstanding things. We need to clear this up." He waited for her response, but got none.

"Kate Damnit, don't do this." He raised his voice, but there was no anger, only desperation.

"Rick." He heard her call.

"Come back out here Kate, we don't need to do this in Ben's room."

"Richard!" This time she screamed his name. The fear there sent a chill through his blood.

He ran back to Ben's room and found her there, cradling the boy in her arms. His little cheeks were bright pink and his brow was covered with sweat.

"Castle, he's burning up. Get the thermometer." Rick turned and ran to the bathroom, grabbing the device and returning to Kate's side. She placed it in the infant's ear and waited. A few seconds later they heard the beep. He watched as Kate read it and he saw as she began to tremble.

"Castle his temperature, it's 104.3. Rick!" She looked up at him, complete terror in her eyes. He rushed to action, grabbing his keys and the diaper bag. Come on Kate, now.

With that they both rushed from the apartment. Their earlier conversation, Kate's panic and hurt over his news of moving out completely forgotten for the moment.

* * *

When they arrived at the hospital they rushed into the emergency room. Kate had used baby wipes to press against his forehead and neck, a feeble attempt to cool the boy's temperature. They'd only gotten it down a degree though and Ben was still very much in danger. They ran to the nurse,

"Please" Kate yelled. "My baby's burning up." The nurse looked from her to the infant. Kate continued "his temperature was over 104 and it's still over 103." With the news the nurse acted quickly, leading Kate immediately back into triage. Rick stayed behind for a moment to sign them in and take care of insurance information, before joining his family beyond the double doors.

A nurse and an aid were already in the small room, they had Ben on an examination table, Kate standing on the other side and brushing her hands through the boy's sweaty hair. Rick joined her there, one hand on her back and the other on Ben's head as well. Regardless of what they were feeling, at the moment they were joined in one emotion, fear.

The doctor entered the room then, taking the information the nurses provided and ordering blood work from the infant. Given his temperature and his young age, both Castle and Beckett were informed that their son would be admitted to the hospital immediately. The doctor turned to them both and shook their hands.

"We're going to take a look at his blood and try to find some answers as to what is causing his fever. Hopefully we'll know something soon. In the mean time we're going to get his paperwork started and get a room assignment in order." The doctor nodded to them politely and saw himself out of the room.

Another woman in scrubs entered within a minute or so and informed the parents that she would be drawing blood, producing a tiny butterfly needle. As she began the procedure, Ben screamed. Kate shook visibly and tried to sooth her son, whispering to him and brushing her hand across his belly. The baby had been stripped down to just his diaper and IV drip was being set up for him. With the sound of his cries, a helpless tear slid down Kate's face. Rick, who was still standing behind her, wrapped his arms around her waist and placed his chin on her shoulder, whispering calming words into her ear.

Soon the technician was done and their son's blood sample was rushed to the lab. Another wail sounded as the IV was inserted, the fluids deemed necessary to bring his temperature down to a safe level. By the end of the second round of needles both parents were crying. The nurses left the room then, giving Castle and Beckett a moment to lean onto the examination table, coming to rest themselves on ether side of Ben.

Both spoke calming words to the baby, brushing fingers softly through his hair and across his flushed skin. Castle spoke, "Hi little man. I know you're hurting right now and mommy and I would do anything to make you feel better, but we promise we'll get you feeling better real soon." Beckett joined in then,

"momma loves you little one. You're going to be ok my sweet one." The baby looked feebly from Castle to Beckett, his lip trembling and feeble cries escaping his mouth. "I know little man. I know you don't feel good, but you'll be better soon." Castle spoke, while grasping Beckett's hand in his own, "we're all going to be ok soon." Kate looked up at Rick tearfully, nodding at his words and offering his hand a squeeze.

She was filled with a sudden sense of deja vu, recalling a similar gesture she'd made to him during a bank robbery. That seemed like a lifetime ago now.

Even if he didn't love her the way she loved him, she knew he loved Ben. She knew he wasn't going anywhere.

Soon Ben's doctor returned to their room. "Ok guys. It seems Ben has a rather severe urinary tract infection and kidney infection. He's at a high risk for septicemia and we're going to need to get him into intensive care and on antibiotics now." Kate clasped a hand over her mouth, her heart clenching at hearing the words _intensive care_. The nurses came into the room with a small stretcher.

"We are going to get him set up now, if you two could go to the 5th floor waiting room someone will come to get you once he's settled in. Kate's eyes grew wide,

"But can't I stay with him. Please, he's my baby and he'll get scared if I am not with him." She pleaded with the nurse.

"Ma'am, we've got strict policies in the ICU, I promise that we will come and get you when it is time." Both Rick and Kate were helpless to watch as they took their son from them. As her tears fell he pulled her into his embrace, kissing her forehead. "shhh, Kate. He's going to be ok. Shhh." His own tears fell into her hair as they stood there for a minute more. Soon enough they found their way to the elevator and exited on the appropriate floor.

The ICU waiting room was small, the lights were off and the only lights in the room came from the large windows looking out to the hospital floor and the glow of the television in the corner. There were no other people in the room. Rick called his mother and Alexis, informing them of the situation and promising to call when they knew more. Kate did the same with Lanie and the boys. Soon there was nothing for them to do but wait.

They sat there for what felt like hours, the tension thick in the air as both tried to think positive, but feared the worst. They took turns going to the nurse's station, begging for news on how he was, but being told continuously that they would be contacted by the doctor when new information was available. Finally the silence was interrupted by Ricks soft, but broken voice.

"This is my fault." He said to her.

She turned to him, wiping her eyes for what seemed like the hundredth time. "What, Rick no-"

He interrupted her, "Kate this is my fault. I was with him all day and I didn't pick up on anything. He seemed a little cranky and was difficult to put to sleep, and he wasn't as active as usual this afternoon. I just thought he was tired, but…" He looked down at his empty hands, fresh tears coming down his cheeks. "This is my fault Kate. I did this to our son."

"Rick no." She reached for his leg and squeezed his knee. "You didn't know. I didn't know. He didn't show any symptoms until he was burning up. We didn't know Rick." He covered her hand with his own and they both returned to fearful silence. Both silently wondered what they'd missed, trying to find blame in the situation. Eventually Kate laid her head against Castle's shoulder and silently cried herself to sleep. He held her there and caressed her arm soothingly.

Finally, shortly after midnight, the doctor they had seen earlier entered the small room. "Ms. Beckett?" The man called to her. Her head shot up, "yes." She asked urgently. Both she and Castle stood, their hands held without them even recognizing it.

"Your son is a sick little boy, but we've been pumping him full of antibiotics and we've got him fully hydrated. His fever has gone down and he's resting now. We think it is safe to transfer him to the pediatric floor, as he wasn't actually verging on septic as we'd originally feared." Both parents visibly relaxed, their hands remained clasped between them. They both thanked the doctor, who told them that the nurse would give them Ben's room information.

After being directed to yet another floor, Castle and Beckett found themselves speaking with the charge pediatric nurse. "We're trying to see our son, we were told that he had been transferred from the ICU here?" Castle spoke.

"What is his name?" Beckett answered, "Benjamin Castle." The nurse looked to her chart and nodded, "yes, we've got him set up in room 207."

"Can we see him?" Beckett asked.

"Visiting hours are over, but one parent is permitted to stay overnight here." The nurse informed them before continuing, "we've got a bed set up next to Ben's." Kate simply turned to look at Rick. He turned and followed the nurse,

"Please. Can you please allow us both to stay? I really don't want to leave ether one alone tonight." The nurse shook her head, "I'm sorry but hospital policy dictates only one parent." She turned to walk away, and Kate watched as Rick followed her once again, not ready to give up.

Beckett left Castle to handle the nurse while she entered room 207, eager to see her son. He was asleep in the small, shallow hospital crib, his arm bandaged where the IV was still attached. She brushed her hand against his head, noting how much cooler his head felt. She simply watched as his small chest rose and fell, sighing in relief to herself.

"Hello my little one," she whispered. "Mommy loves you so much and the doctors have you all fixed up now." Soon the door opened behind her and Castle came to stand behind her, his hand coming to rest on her shoulder. She raised her own hand to clasp his and leaned her cheek against it.

"He's really ok Castle." He kissed her on the back of the head, "Yes, he is Kate." They both just watched him sleep for awhile, the heart monitor beating steadily and Ben's chest rising and falling as he slept peacefully.

Soon Castle moved, rolling the bed in the room to come up next to where Ben was. He removed his shoes and pants, leaving him in a t-shirt and boxers, before crawling onto the single bed and adjusting the head so that he was inclined slightly. "Kate." He whispered.

She looked up to see him motioning her to join him on the bed. Sighing to herself, she removed her own shoes, and was glad she'd changed into sleeping clothing before all this had happened. Their dinner seemed a lifetime away now. Kate crawled into the bed, resting against Castle's body in the hospital bed built for just one.

They laid there for awhile, the room dark, watching their son under the glow of the monitors. She finally whispered,

"He's really ok." Castle wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her even closer, her head buried beneath his chin as they both gazed at their child. "Yes he is Kate, he's ok."

"So, how did you convince her to let you stay?" He was quiet a moment.

"Let's just say I will be making a large donation to the pediatric center here." She chuckled lightly.

Time passed between them, no sound but that of the heart monitor and the breathing of a sleeping baby. After a while Kate couldn't keep from asking the question that was burning on her mind.

"Rick?" she spoke hesitantly.

"Yeah, Kate."

"Why didn't you tell me about the house." He could hear the hurt in her voice.

"I'm so sorry Kate. I wanted it to be a surprise for you." He kissed the top of her head before continuing. "I wanted to ask you and Ben to come with me." He could feel her breath catch.

"Why?" She whispered.

"Kate, I think you know why." She paused a moment, her heart beat racing with the possibilities of his statement crossing her mind.

"I need to hear you say it Rick." She urged him.

"Because I love you Kate. I've always loved you. I've never stopped loving you and I never will. I don't think I could if I tried." He felt her release another breath, and felt the moisture of her tears on his neck.

"I thought you moved on Rick. I thought you were done waiting. All those months ago, I thought you pulled away because you didn't care anymore." He took a deep breath and spoke.

"I tried. After I found out that you knew I loved you, I tried to pull away. It was useless though. Then we started sleeping together and I figured that if that was all you were willing to give than I would take it because at least it was something. I was _that_ in love with you." He admitted everything to her.

"Then we fought and you said that you did love me once, but I ruined it. I was broken by those words. I thought that I finally had a chance and I ruined it. It was the biggest mistake of my life and I couldn't bear it, so I ran away from you. I ran from us and I will always regret that." She kissed his neck softly, wrapping her arms around his torso to bring them into an embrace in the bed.

"Can I speak now?" She asked.

"Please do Kate." He encouraged.

"I did hear you. I heard everything and it was the only thing that got me through that summer. The knowledge that you loved me as much as I…Well, it got me through everything. When I got back I started therapy. Did I ever tell you that?" He shook his head. "no," he answered.

"I did. I spent the year in therapy actually. I was working on myself. I was working on that wall we talked about. I was trying to make myself into the person that you deserved." He caught his breath at those words. "But Kate, you already were-" She stopped him though, placing two fingers on his lips.

"shhh. My turn, remember?" She urged him softly. He nodded to her and allowed her to continue.

"Anyway, I was ready. I was finally ready to tell you everything, to take that leap. I was so in love with you Rick." He held her a little more tightly.

"But then you just changed, suddenly you pulled away. You were cold and mean. You started acting like you did before and then you were shadowing Slaughter and I just didn't understand. I thought I'd waited too long, I thought that I missed my chance." Her voice broke. "Then we started…well, you know."

He nodded, "and you know the rest." Again he squeezed her.

"Kate?" He questioned softly.

"Yeah?" She answered an edge of nervousness in her voice.

"Kate, tell me. Do you still love me? Do you still feel anything?" She let out a sob, more shocked by the absurdity of his question than upset. How could he possibly wonder?

"Rick I love you more than life itself. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. Yes, I still love you. I never stopped."

He let out a relieved sigh, kissing her head and holding her tightly to him. "God, I love you Kate."

After a few silent moments, he spoke again. "We really messed things up."

She smiled, "yes we did, but look at him." She motioned to their sleeping son. They both gazed upon his small sleeping form once more, contemplating the little life they'd created.

"Totally worth it." He said.

"Totally." She agreed.

They both laughed together, it was a laughter of relief and love.

"So," she spoke after a few moments of silence, "When do we move in?"

He rubbed her back and kissed her head, "as soon as possible, Kate. I want our lives together to start now."

She nodded into his chest and placed a kiss there. She couldn't agree with him more.

* * *

The next morning Ben was awake, he looked much better and he seemingly felt much better. It would be a few days before they could take him home, but he was out of the woods and on the mend. His parents simply held hands as they spoke softly to him.

They were so distracted that they didn't hear the nurse's aid enter the room behind them.

"You guys make a beautiful family." She spoke softly.

They both smiled at her, Rick putting his arm around Kate as they stood next to their son.

"Yes," Rick agreed, "Yes we do." He turned lovingly to Kate and placed a kiss on her lips.

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**One more chapter to go...eeek...**


	15. Chapter 15

**Oh my goodness the last chapter. I'm so glad you all stuck with me on this one. I'm excited to finish this one, as I'll be shifting focus back to writing the third installment in my other series. Thanks again for your feedback! Enjoy and happy Monday.**

**Special thanks for fbobs for inspiring part of a very special scene this chapter. :) **

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**Present time**

Kate Beckett rushed through her house, racing from room to room in a flurry. She'd been running around all morning, attempting to get everything together before guests began to arrive. Alexis was in the living room keeping Ben occupied, a task that certainly became more demanding now that the world was opening up to the mobile little man.

Not only was the boy crawling everywhere, but now he was starting to walk, and consequently, getting into everything. His big sister didn't mind though, she relished in every moment spent with the little boy. Kate smiled fondly to herself as she thought back to the first time Alexis met her little brother.

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**June 5****th****, 2013**

She was terrified, walking next to Rick through the airport while holding Ben close to her. Alexis' flight arrived about 30 minutes ago, and the girl was making her way through the multiple checkpoints to get back through customs. She could feel her heart pounding in her chest and swore she could hear it beating loudly as she tried to calm her nerves at seeing the girl for the first time.

Soon after Ben was released from the hospital Rick showed Kate the house he bought. She had to hand it to him too, it was perfect. The townhouse was lovely and spacious, with great natural lighting and a spectacular location relative to her much smaller apartment. Ben's room was located just down the hall from their master bedroom and they decided to give the room an outer space theme, bright stars and planets hanging throughout.

The master bedroom was quite spacious and they had their own master bath, complete with a large tub that they enjoyed _utilizing _quite regularly. They decorated the guest room specifically for Alexis, wanting the girl to feel welcome and at home whenever she was visiting from college. Finally, Castle was able to turn the second spare room on the ground floor into a nice office. He was quite pleased to have his things out of storage and be settled into their new home.

On that afternoon, standing at the airport near baggage claim, Kate tried to keep herself occupied with Ben. It wasn't much of a problem to stay distracted, as the boy had discovered the fun of his new multi-colored plastic key ring toy.

Just the simple act of grasping and shaking the keys, brought the boy endless joy and entertainment. On that afternoon, he enjoyed taking the plastic key ring and shaking it in Kate's face. He babbled along happily as he did so. "bababababababa" followed by contented squeal "eeeeeeeeeeeeee." Kate loved his little baby noises.

After what must have been the 250th key shake and squeal, Kate lifted her head to find Alexis walking excitedly towards them. Rick ran up to her and grabbed the girl, spinning her around and placing kisses on her cheek and on her head. They embraced for several seconds, before Alexis turned her attention to Kate.

She walked calmly towards her, with an unreadable expression on her face. Kate swallowed back her nerves and tried to offer a tentative smile. Before she knew it, she was wrapped in the girl's embrace. Alexis kissed her on the cheek and smiled brightly at her.

"It is so wonderful to see you again detective!" She warmly spoke.

"Alexis, I think we're well passed formalities. Please call me Kate." She replied to the girl.

Alexis simply smiled to her, genuine happiness to see Beckett reaching her eyes as the red-head continued to grin. She then looked down at the small boy in her arms.

"Oh my God, is this him?" She asked in disbelief. Of course she knew it had to be him, but the moment of finally seeing her brother in person was overwhelming for Alexis. Kate smiled then, sighing in relief that there was no anger or resentment in the girl towards her.

"Yeah." Kate spoke softly, "This is Benjamin Alexander and he's been waiting to meet his big sister." Alexis looked into Kate's eyes in that moment, an expression of wonder on her face. It was the first time that Alexis had truly recognized the true permanence of Kate in their lives, she was the mother of her baby brother.

"He's a handsome little man, isn't he?" Rick spoke as he placed his hand on Alexis' shoulder. "He looks just like his father…almost…what's the word I'm looking for…ruggedly handsome." He spoke with a hint of pride, waiting for the pair of eye rolls he knew he'd earned from the women in front of him.

Kate looked back to Alexis, "Would you like to hold him?" She asked softly, filled with joy in witnessing the first moment between the siblings. Alexis nodded excitedly and held her arms out for the boy. Kate passed the baby to her, using care behind his head out of habit. Ben could hold his head up pretty much all of the time, really just needing the support when he was tired.

Alexis took the boy, stroking his cheek as he stared at her wide-eyed, before making a delighted "aaaaaaaaaaaa" sound. All three adults laughed at his attempt at verbal expression. Alexis cuddled the boy to her chest, speaking softly into his ear and planting kisses on his cheeks.

Castle moved behind Beckett, placing his arm around her shoulder as he watched both of his children, together for the first time. Sensing the impact of the moment on him, Kate reached her hand to where his was on her arm and took it into her own. He kissed her head in response and they enjoyed the magnitude of the moment together.

The meaningful interaction was not missed by Alexis, who was filled with a calm sense of relief. Watching the adults interact and be open with their emotions and affection was refreshing, and many of the girl's doubts about Beckett being emotionally available and supportive were laid to rest. They all left the airport that morning, feeling a sense of completeness with Alexis' return to the states.

That evening Martha visited, spending quality time with her grandchildren. Rick prepared Alexis' favorite meal, while the women in his life enjoyed watching Ben's facial expressions while introducing the boy to new solid foods. As expected, the boy preferred the fruits after just a couple of times, even though he'd only been introduced to vegetables for the first month of his journey into solid foods. After the boy had eaten, Kate and Alexis left the boy with Martha and retreated to the girl's room where they unpacked her things and caught up a bit.

"I was nervous you know." Alexis spoke after a few moments.

"You were?" Kate asked, somewhat surprised by the girl's confession.

"Yeah. I mean, the last time I saw you things were not so great between you and dad, and I just didn't know what to expect."

Kate nodded sympathetically to Alexis, who continued to speak. "I know that you'd worked things out, and dad's been assuring me that everything was ok. I guess I just needed to see for myself." Kate smiled at her and placed her hand over Alexis' arm and squeezed.

"I was nervous too." Kate admitted.

"You were? Why?"

"I was afraid that you blamed me for what happened, for hurting your dad. I was so scared that you would think I was purposely keeping Ben a secret." She looked down at her lap, unable to make eye contact with Alexis.

Since Ben was born, and especially after Castle's re-entrance into her life, Kate had been working on expressing herself. Although she had to acknowledge that admitting her fears to the girl was a major step, she still wasn't comfortable with having such an intimate conversation. Kate Beckett was still not comfortable with vulnerability.

Alexis simply listened to Kate, nodding at her with understanding and appreciation for her honesty.  
"You know, at first I was really angry. Even more than angry I was terrified." She waited for Beckett to make eye contact again before continuing, "Kate, you are the one person, the one woman, in my dad's life who has ever had the power to hurt him like you did." Kate swallowed uncomfortably as Alexis spoke.

"Then I realized that you weren't out to hurt him, and that he hurt you as much as you hurt him. Now you have Ben, and you have even more power than you did before. You could break him before Ben, now you could kill him." She paused for a moment, and then continued, "but, I also see how much you love him. How much you love eachother." Kate nodded at Alexis, wanting to reassure the girl that she wouldn't consciously hurt her father.

"What I didn't realize before is that he has the same power to hurt you. You've got just as much to lose. I guess when it comes down to it, I needed time to think."

After taking in Alexis' words, Kate finally spoke.

"If there is ever anything that I can do, or say, to help you feel more secure please let me know. You are right, we both do have incredible power to hurt eachother, but I think that power wouldn't be there if we didn't truly love each other." Alexis nodded in agreement; she was glad that Kate got what she was trying to tell her without becoming offended.

"This is what I promise you Alexis." Kate began.

"I promise that I'm in this for good. I couldn't walk away if I tried. I also promise that in the event that things don't work out..." She paused to grab Alexis' hand and look her in the eyes, "I will never do anything Alexis, NEVER do anything to keep you or your dad from Ben. I also promise that I will always be here for you. Always Alexis." The red head smiled, hugging Kate.

"For what it's worth Kate," Alexis spoke, "I think that you two are going to last. I've never seen my dad as devoted to anyone before. I've also never seen him happier, and for that I'm so grateful." She smiled at Kate.

"Alexis, I love him." Kate reassured her. "I know, and he loves you." The girl paused moment, hesitating before she spoke, "and for what it's worth, I do too."

Kate was stunned, completely touched by the girl's words. She pulled her closer and kissed the top of her head, "The feeling is mutual Alexis."

From that moment on, Castle could detect a difference between the women, there was a calm affection between them, an ease of interaction that Alexis never enjoyed with his previous romantic partners. He smiled to himself as his family gathered around the table for dinner, Ben sitting in a high chair between Kate and himself. They were a family, they were happy and finally, they were together.

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**Present Time**

Kate smiled to herself as she thought back to Alexis' first visit. However, she was soon pulled from her thoughts by the ringing of the doorbell. She moved to answer it, passing Alexis and Ben in the living room. She saw Alexis standing across the room, holding her arms out and beckoning the boy. She watched for a second as the boy started to toddle over to his sister, laughing with each step.

Beckett answered the door and was met with a delivery man. He held a giant white box in his hands.

"Good afternoon, Ms. Castle." Kate smiled, not bothering to correct the young man's mistake. Besides, she really liked the sound of it.

"Hi." She smiled to him, motioning him to follow her into the kitchen and place the box on the island in the center of the room. Of all the rooms in the house, the Kitchen was among Kate's favorites. It was spacious, with plenty of counter space. The man disassembled the box, removing a bright yellow cake, before wishing her a good day and making his exit.

Kate looked at the clock, 2pm. She had about an hour before guests would start arriving. She took a moment to inspect her son's birthday cake, a giant yellow duck. The duck was situated on a piece of sheet cake, frosted light blue to resemble a bath tub and covered with white frosting dollops in places to resemble bubbles. She smiled at the cake,

"That is so adorable!" She heard Castle exclaim behind her. She hadn't heard him enter the room and he surprised her slightly.

"God, you scared me Rick." He rested his hands on her shoulders and kissed her cheek, "sorry love." He spoke softly. She just smiled at him, turning her head to access his lips and placing a quick kiss there.

"The dining room is coming along, do you want to see it? He asked her.

She smiled to him and followed him into the next room. There was a white table cloth on the table, soft yellow napkins, plates and cups at each setting. Light blue and yellow balloons and streamers adorned the walls and a custom banner reading "Happy 1st Birthday Benjamin!" hung across the center of the back wall.

They were preparing several different types of snacks and finger foods. Although Castle offered to pay a caterer, Beckett insisted on making the food themselves. She wanted her son's party to have her personal touch, much the way her own birthdays were growing up with her mother.

As she stood next to Castle, taking the room in, she sighed to herself, caught back up in thinking about the food that still needed preparation before everyone arrived. She really wanted today to be perfect. As she thought to herself she absent mindedly fidgeted with the ring on her left hand.

"Hey." He whispered affectionately to her. "Everything is going to be great today." She looked at him, surprised that he seemed to be reading her thoughts. At her questioning glance he smiled and clarified, "your ring, you always fiddle with your ring when you're nervous." She looked down at her hand then, taking in the diamond that he'd placed on it a few months ago and recalling the evening.

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**September 27****th****, 2013.**

They finally got him to sleep. Beckett was exhausted, a long day at work only made worse by the guilt she felt leaving Ben. He loved his dad, but he was at the peak of his separation anxiety and although Kate knew it was perfectly normal, leaving him while he screamed for her was heart-breaking.

Still, the reunion at the end of the day was filled with joy and giggles, unless he was having a bad day. That night he'd had a bad day, feeling slightly cranky and warm. Both parents suspected that he was developing a cold, but his temperature remained low so they weren't alarmed.

After spending nearly 45 minutes in his room, the infant screaming and unsoothable, she finally got him to fall asleep. She turned on his night light, which featured stars and planets scrolling around and casting a glow from the lamp. Leaving his door cracked open, she made her way across the hall and into their bedroom to change.

Once comfortable for the evening, she made her way downstairs to the kitchen, following the delicious smell of dinner. She was surprised to find that Castle had set up the dining room table, candles lit in the middle. Lights were turned down low and soft music played on the stereo. As she made her way into the dining room he came in behind her, leading her to her chair and pulling it out for her.

"What is all this Castle?" She asked with pleasant surprise.

"Do I need an occasion to spoil you?" He spoke, somewhat mysteriously.

"No?" She replied, somewhat in question and somewhat in statement.

He laughed softly at her, "I just wanted to do something special. You've had a long day, and a long past couple of weeks." He was right. One grizzly case after another, the most recent involving the murder of a family, including their infant daughter, left Beckett drained. Once Ben's separation anxiety was factored into the equation, with her guilt over leaving her own son as she solved the murder of an infant not much older than him, things were simply too much.

She was relieved to find the killer and close the case, and ecstatic to have the next few days off to recuperate. "So," Castle interrupted her thoughts, "I wanted to do something special. I thought a romantic evening at home would offer the perfect place to relax." She smiled at him, pulling him down to her by the collar and planting a kiss on his lips. "This is one of the many reasons why I love you Castle."

He laughed at her, "and I thought it was all my sexy body." He joked with her.

"Well, that's mostly it, but every now and then you do something like this." She teased him with a smile on her face.

He left her there, returning to the kitchen momentarily to retrieve their food. Soon he was back, placing a plate of lasagna and a glass of wine in front of her. He wanted everything to be perfect, and so far things were going well. He was nervous about whether or not doing this at the present time was a good idea, afterall, she was tired and Ben had been a wreck all day.

That, he reasoned to himself, was exactly why he had to do it that night. There was always something, some drama or stress in their lives. She was swamped with a case, he had deadlines, Ben was teething, Ben had diarrhea, Ben wouldn't go to sleep, Ben wouldn't stay asleep, and the list went on. There was always something. He was resolute that it had to happen that night.

After they finished eating he stood, holding out a hand to her. She looked up at him, her eyebrow arched in confusion. "Dance with me." He requested softly. She smiled, suspicion on her face, and took his hand.

He pulled her to him, and they swayed in their dining room to the soft melody of a love song that drifted through the air. She laid her head on his shoulder and he held her close, rubbing soft and calming circles on her back. "I love you Kate." He whispered in her ear. She smiled and nestled her head a little closer to the crook of her neck and replied, "I love you too."

"Do you know what I love most about you?" He asked her.

"What?" She replied, smiling softly as they moved to the music.

"I love your drive and your passion. It's what attracted me to you in the first place. Now, after years, it's only gotten stronger. You amaze me every day." She planted a kiss on his neck, sending shivers through him.

"Do you know what I love most about you?" She asked him.

"What?" He replied, secretly thrilled that she took his bait and went with him on the conversation topic. He already knew what she loved most about him, but wanted her to bring it up. Unknowingly prompted, Kate spoke.

"I love your loyalty, your love and your dedication." She sighed into his shirt, ghosting her fingers across his neck.

"I love that you are a great father, and that no matter what happens, you would go to the ends of the earth to protect your family." He kissed the top of her head and nodded.

"Yes I would. I love my children more than anything." He agreed with her.

"I've been thinking a lot lately about how much I love them, Alexis and Ben." She smiled and took a deep breath, letting it out in a contented sigh as the stress of the day melted away.

"When I think about Ben, so young and innocent, I think of all the things I want for him." He paused for a moment and then continued, "I think of what I could do for Ben, to show him how much I love him."

She hummed into him, touched by the sweetness of his dedication to their child.

"Do you know what the most important thing you could do for your child is, to prove your love for them?" He questioned Kate.

"What's that?" She asked, relaxation and contentment in her voice.

"To show their mother, every day, how much she means to you." She lifted her head and pulled back slightly, just enough to meet his eyes. She was moved by the sweetness of his words.

"That's the best thing you can do for your children, focus on loving their mother; showing her each day that she means more to you than she did the last. What better gift could a child have than for their parents to be solid, dedicated and in love?"

Kate smiled at him, as someone who had been raised by two of the most in-love people on the planet, she agreed whole-heartedly with the sentiment. Rick continued to speak.

"That is why I want to spend every day, for the rest of my life, showing you how much I love you. I want to spend every moment proving to you that you are the greatest gift I've ever been given. Would you let me do that?" He stopped them from moving to the music then.

She simply stared back at him, slightly confused and unsure of what the question was. How was she supposed to answer that, _what could I possibly do that would allow him to love…? Oh._ Her own question was answered in the next moment when he sank to the floor, coming down on one knee. In that moment her heart stopped, she was unable to breathe.

"Katherine Beckett. I have loved you since the moment I saw you. Through this journey we've taken to be together, this winding road with all of its ups and downs, its twists and turns; I've never stopped loving you. You are the one certainty in my life. Regardless of what happens, of how we change or of how the world may change, I am certain in you." He looked up to her and removed a small box from his pocket.

"I'm asking you to be certain in me; to give me the chance to show you how much I love you every day for the rest of our lives. Kate, will you marry me?"

He opened the box to reveal a solitaire diamond engagement ring. It was beautiful, but not over the top. The thing about the ring that struck her immediately was the design. He had custom designed the ring to resemble her mother's ring. The thought that he had done that brought tears to her eyes and made her even surer that he was her one and done.

With tears streaming down her face she cupped his cheeks, urging him to stand and meet her. When he did she pulled him in, hands remaining on his cheeks and kissing him; and through her kisses she whispered the word "yes" into his lips, over and over again.

He had proposed, and it wasn't over the top. There was no sky writing. There were no grand gestures that involved public embarrassment and Reggie the chopper pilot was nowhere to be found. For Kate, it was simply perfect. It was heartfelt, romantic and intimate, and she couldn't wait to marry him.

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**Present Time**

The ring, ah yes the ring. She had taken to fiddling with the ring, tilting it back and forth with her other fingers. They hadn't set a date yet, or better yet, life interfered with the date they had set. They were relieved that they made the decision to not share the original wedding date with their friends or family. Because they hadn't announced that they planned to marry on April 15th, there would be no need to inform them that the date would be pushed back.

The one thing that mattered more than anything else in the world was that Kate Beckett could wear her mother's wedding dress when she walked down the aisle. Lost in the thought of her mom's dress for a moment, she smiled when she felt Castle's arms wrap around her waist and land on the small bump that was her abdomen. He caressed it gently, much like he did at night when they were in bed, where he would mutter soft words and place kisses on her stomach.

Nobody else knew that they were expecting again. It would be a surprise for their family, as it was a surprise for them. They wanted to wait until Kate was safely beyond the first trimester before announcing it, which was only two weeks away. Still, they enjoyed the knowledge of the secret they shared. Their wedding date would be pushed back until after the baby was born.

She smiled again to herself, loving the thought of herself being too big to fit into the wedding dress by April, loving that the child inside her would be growing so quickly and Rick would be there by her side the whole time.

She turned to face him and gave him a quick kiss, "the room looks perfect Rick. Help me move the cake to the center of the table." She requested.

Soon it was 3pm and their guests were arriving. Kate's father was the first to arrive, delighting in his ability to spoil his only grandchild, he lifted the boy into his arms and began to tickle him softly. Lanie and Esposito were next, the couple came bearing gifts and planting Kisses on their God son's head.

Martha arrived soon after, bags in her hands filled with an absurd amount of presents for the boy. Kate hugged her and rolled her eyes, teasing her about spoiling the boy for what seemed like the millionth time. The last couple to arrive was Ryan and Jenny, who brought their 4 month old son Gabe along for the party.

They all gathered in the living room and watched the two babies interact. Gabe, who was on his stomach, pushed himself up to watch Ben with wide-eyed curiosity. Ben, for his part, pushed his favorite key ring towards the younger child, and watched Gabe grasp the toy and pull it towards him. The toy landed exactly where everyone knew it would, in the baby's mouth.

"It's a good thing they're friends." Ryan joked as he watched his son gum the colorful toy. Everyone laughed, which prompted Ben to start laughing too. Alexis rolled a multi-colored plastic bouncy ball towards him and he stopped it with his hands, pushing it back to her and yelling "ball!" Both Rick and Kate smiled with pride at their son's use of words.

Although he'd never admit it to Kate, Rick was secretly relieved that the boy's first word was "mama." He knew that Kate struggled leaving the boy for work, feeling like she should be able to be in two places at once. He was glad that she was able to have that moment, although he called dibs on their next child, making Kate roll her eyes.

There were at least 6 cameras on the boy as he sat in his high chair, as everyone sang him happy birthday. Soon he was handed a piece of his cake. Ben moved to touch and taste the cake initially, before proceeding to bury his face in the plate when he decided he liked it. Everyone laughed hysterically at the boy's antics, which earned them a high pitched laugh and a messy clap of hands, which sent pieces of cake flying in every direction.

Everyone laughed again, delighted in the boy. As Castle and Beckett simply watched the interaction, he wrapped his arms around her stomach again, resting it on her abdomen. Her back pressed against him, she met his hands where they rested on her stomach and laced their fingers while his chin came to rest on her shoulder.

"Hey Kate?" He asked her softly.

"Yeah?" She asked.

"Don't we have a beautiful family?" He tilted his head slightly to rest his head against her cheek.

She smiled at him and rested her head against his own, pulling his hands a little closer to her and enjoying the smell of him as he enveloped her in his embrace.

"Yes." She answered softly, "Yes we do."

**The End.**

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**Thoughts? I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it. :)**

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**Special Note: For those of you who are following my ongoing series: "Walk Me Through This One," and "I Will Try To Fix You," I will be starting the 3rd installment soon and it will be called "The Story." Be on the lookout, they were by far my favorites to write so I'm excited :) **


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